Naked, naked, naked!

I’m living alone, for the first time in my life, in my own apartment that used to be ours.

I’ve always enjoyed being alone. Having my own place has always been a fantasy. I like my own company (I’m great company) and I don’t get lonely as much as other people. It’s strange to finally be here, on my own, with no key turning in the door to fear, signifying the end of my peace and quiet. I’m a social person too, but not 24 hours a day. No way.

There is a slight fear of choking to death, or setting fire to the place, or feeling really sick and nobody caring… but there are so many wonderful, previously unimagined freedoms to enjoy. I feel like Homer Simpson on his day home from church.

I’m sure I haven’t discovered all the possibilities yet, but so far, this week, I have mostly been loving:

1. Naked, naked, naked. Even in a relationship, and feeling good about your body, you don’t just go around naked all day. Well, I don’t. Now I’m inclined to go naked all day long, apart from when I leave the house of course. It’s really warm now, and I hate washing and putting away clothes, so it also saves me those chores. As soon as I make some curtains for the kitchen, this will be even more enjoyable. Right now I’m limiting my kitchen nudity to brief but obvious dashes with a pillow or something clasped before me.

2. My bad habits no longer disgust or annoy anyone. Last night I spilt milk on the floor and mopped it up with the dress I was wearing before implementing plan nudity. The 5 second rule about food that falls on the floor has been replaced with who gives a shit? And I don’t have to flush the toilet for every meagre urination. And I can leave wet towels on the couch. And I can have a shower and leave the bathroom floor completely flooded.

3. I don’t have to pretend I’m watching shitty tv due to lack of viable options. I can wallow in the tripe I love. I can even listen to a Miley Cyrus song on youtube, if should I want to. Or I can finally watch the video for telephone, after all my anti- Lady Gaga vitriol… (ok, I was right.. it is crap)

4. I can be unrestrained with bathroom noises.

5. Nobody is rearranging shit around here. Everything goes where I want it to. There is vodka in my cupboard, and the level will not fall below where I left it.

6. I can have a Bloody Mary whenever I want, like right now. Nobody here to judge. Shit, I’m out of proper tabasco. Mild version is no substitute. And this is exactly what I’m talking about: I bought two bottles, ages ago, and I have barely touched them. And there is none left. This is what will never happen again, because now I’ll be aware of myself running out because it’ll be me drinking the bloody marys in the first place.

7. I can watch porn with the volume up. Not all the way up, the walls are still thin. But living with friends, no matter how open you are about certain things, you don’t want them to actually know when you’re watching porn. Or I don’t, anyway. I’d be too humiliated by the awkward, stunted lines coming out of the actors mouths. I really don’t get why porn is so shit. This is a whole can of worms, I won’t go there now. But I have complaints, and I will air them another day.

8. I can fall in the door at whatever time, make noise, puke loads, fall into bed, puke some more, and nobody will judge. But actually I shouldn’t do that because there’s no one to move me out of the vomit pool either. I could install one of those old person pulley alarms… just in case. Would hate to die in my own vomit. What a horrible nasty way to go. Not that I want to die any way, but still.

9. Shit, I’m getting depressed now. Want to think up more awesome super fun spectacular fantastic activities my newfound bachelorettehood has opened up for me. But I keep thinking about how unsurprised everyone would be if they heard I choked on my own puke. And that I also have to do all the cleaning now. Well, I used to do it all anyway… but at least I got to get pissy about it before. Oh no. This isn’t a positive list any more. I’ll just leave it there. I don’t even want this drink any more. It tastes like depression and loneliness. And it’s not spicy at all. And it’s late now and I have to work in the morning and I don’t feel like going to bed yet. No one even asked me about my day yet. And it was a pretty good day, except for all the cleaning. I have to work tomorrow, maybe someone will ask me at work. Except I work alone… but the coffee shop girl will definitely give me a noncommittal “how are you today?” And I can unleash my pent up socialization on her. Hooray!

Just hoping I can manage to keep the fear of dying alone in a pool of regurgitated tomato juice out of the opening phrases of tomorrow’s conversation.

2 responses to “Naked, naked, naked!

    • Thank you assassins creed revelations buy! It’s nice to meet another friend on the internet, it sure can get loney here sometimes, rattling around amongst all the spam! I am glad anyway that my post “naked naked naked” seemed informative to you, that was of course my goal. Anyway I don’t want to strangle our friendship so soon, it is like a kitten and if we squeeze it too hard right now it might die or else scratch us. See you around new friend! :)

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