No progress, just more introspection... sorry

Couldn’t make any headway…. googled how to help myself, couldn’t find anything of use. Tried to watch a movie but couldn’t make it through five minutes of anything without thinking of him.

Decided to read a book, haven’t got anything to read that isn’t full of love and emotion.

Fuck fuck fuck..

I’m no better.

I realised something, I don’t know if I ever talked about this but…

When I was leaving my husband, I told him I needed something to change, I gave him time to make an effort, to fix things… we had no sex life, and when we did it was forced and I couldn’t have felt less sexy… It was awful. He didn’t respect me, he didn’t appreciate me, and I just retreated into myself and computer games and comedy series. I was numb and I was fat and I was doing nothing, and I told him I couldn’t take any more. I took a trip to London to stay with my friends and talk it over and get away from him so I could really make my mind up properly, and really it was over for me but I didn’t know if I had the strength to leave him because I did love him, actually. I loved him, he was my best friend and I couldn’t imagine filling my days without his presence there, even if we did nothing together, I slept with his warmth and I had his hugs after a bad day. I did love him…

I just wanted out.

We were taking these two weeks to really think about it, what we could do… what to do…

I took a book to read, Lady Chatterley’s Lover.

I read that book on the flight over and the flight back.

It was so true, so honest, it showed me my marriage and it showed me what I was doing to myself by staying.

The groundskeeper in the book… the lover of Lady Chatterley… he was a fantasy, he led her out of her marriage with tenderness and passion and respect… I didn’t have a man like that but I knew I needed to get out of my awful relationship, get away from it, and hope that someday I would meet someone who took me as I was and saw the best of me, and showed me what it could be like to really make love.

When I finished that book I left my husband, he wanted to try again, but fuck, I had tried so hard already. I had tried to be sexier, to dress up, to make an effort, to do different things, to surprise him… I couldn’t try any more, and why didn’t he care enough to try sooner? My unhappiness wasn’t enough to make him work, he had to really fear he would lose me to do anything…

So I left him and it was very, very hard, and I cried myself to sleep while he was in the next room, and I knew all along I could go in there and take it back, and get a big warm loving embrace and arms around me and it would all be ok again. But I wanted more and better. I knew I deserved it and I knew that this one man I had chosen, would never make me happy the way I wanted to be. He might jump to action if he thought I was actually leaving, but too little too late… he didn’t care that we had such a rubbish relationship, he was comfortable, he wanted to keep it. He didn’t want to make me happy, he wanted to make me happy enough to stay with him…

I stayed on the couch every night crying until he moved out, and then I cried back in our double bed, alone.

Eventually it eased up, I found the desire to meet my groundskeeper.

I went out, I searched for him. I forgot what I was looking for, I forgot it was tenderness and passion, I called it sex.

I went out and looked for sex, and sometimes I found it and it was nearly always disappointing, and no one worshipped me and no one gave me sweet kisses.

I never found a groundskeeper.

Except for this one…

This one was my groundskeeper. He treated me like a beautiful creature to be looked after, and he kissed me all over and surprised me with lovely words, and he lit the fire in me again that hadn’t been lit even though I had been having all that sex…

And now he’s gone, and I have to start looking again.

And I don’t think he doesn’t care, but he definitely doesn’t care enough.

And he doesn’t need me like I need him.

So there, I’m alone, and I’ve found exactly, exactly what I was looking for and now I don’t have it any more. And this is worse than my separation because all I had to get over was the loss of companionship and habit, I knew he wasn’t right for me from very early on… it just took me a while to take the leap.

Now I have to get over the man who before I even met him, I left my husband for. The bright hope, the “he’s out there somewhere”. I know time will tell me he wasn’t perfect, he wasn’t perfect for me…

But right now all I have to put against him is his age, and the fact that he is willing to let it end between us, just like that, instead of desperately trying anything and everything. So there’ll be another groundskeeper, but with nothing in our way? When and where will I meet him? And how will I know?

This is too shit. I am sick of this. I really, really don’t want to have to feel like this,…. but how can I fucking move on when there is NOTHING in my mind to sever my tie from him? He’s the man I want to be with, how am I supposed to move on from that?