When Friends was first broadcast, every little girl was taking magazine quizzes to see which Friends character they matched up with. They started saying obnoxious things like “Oh my god, you’re SUCH a Phoebe!” which pissed me off, because although I liked Phoebe best out of the three neurotic and two-dimensional girls, I didn’t want to be like Phoebe. Phoebe was written as just a crazy hippie, and I wasn’t a crazy hippie. I didn’t automatically follow what everyone else was doing, but I never felt crazy. Or even quirky. People who describe themselves as quirky are just as bad. I would never want to be such a flat character, described only by flapping my hands around and coming out with a few out of place lines. It’s the laziest writing ever- “ok, there could be three girls and three guys. One girl is a pretty, privileged daddy’s girl who likes fashion. One is skinny, a control freak and probably has OCD. The other one can just be a sandbox hippy character for whenever we need something out of the ordinary to happen. Oh and the guys can just be an idiot jock, a nerd and a loser who makes shitty jokes.” Why anyone would try to model themselves on those pieces of cardboard is beyond me, but it seemed to be all the other girls could talk about. If someone ever told you you were like Monica, look them up and go punch them in the face.
Then you have people who tell some boring story about some typical night out and end it with “You know me, I’m so crazy,” or say goodbye with “don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, which doesn’t leave much, ’cause I’ll do anything!” Yeah, shut up. These self-proclaimed crazies are like a friendlier, less snobby hipster. I don’t care if you’re different to everybody else, great, congratulations. Just don’t constantly draw attention to it like it’s going to impress anybody. If you’re crazy, and your brain tells you to do thinks differently, why would you broadcast what for you is normal behaviour? I don’t go around telling people about my trip to the dentist or a bar and follow it with “I’m so freaking normal!” If you jump out of a plane or knit a scaled replica of the Sydney opera house in your spare time, I’m listening. And I think that’s crazy anyway, so there’s no need to insist.
It’s like Catch 22- any person who declares themselves to be too crazy to fight in the war is demonstrating sanity because a sane person is afraid of being killed. Anyone who is willing to fight is probably crazy, but as they haven’t complained they’ll be sent to fight anyway. Real crazy people don’t know they’re crazy. Or don’t say it. There’s a woman who walks past my work every day and yells at her reflection in the window. I have also seen her on the bus, where she occasionally yelps and the yelp frightens her and makes her jump in her seat. But when she talks to herself, she doesn’t say “I’m crazy!” If she did, I’d be thinking, shit this woman is aware of her crazy behaviour, and she keeps doing it, it must be something she thinks is cool or else she’d cut it out. Any boring person who tells me about their stupid mild escapades in a sheltered life and follows it with “I’m so crazy” is as sane as their neighbours but thinks their actions are impressive. I’d respect their not caring what people think, if they went one step further and actually didn’t care what people thought.
Here is a list of some things people think make them crazy, which they do on purpose, and which piss me off.
1. Feeling unique because you’re wearing odd socks or something out of the ordinary
2. Listening to children’s music or something that sounds silly.
3. A grown woman liking children’s books or films. You can watch Finding Nemo with your niece and think it’s good, but just don’t buy the bedspread. Any woman who has a toy unicorn in her room.
4. Being proud of liking something that’s obviously not for an adult. Posting it on your Facebook. Queueing for the new Harry Potter book with a scar painted on your forehead. Not being ashamed.
5. Ironic or silly swearing. “By Merlin’s beard!” “by the hammer of Thor!” “Jumping jellybeans”.
6. Telling people how weird your dream was
7. Telling people how funny it was yesterday when you meant to say “Milk” and instead said “Filk”. “Like, oh my god, what’s filk, Lol!” Shut up.
8. Making up some stupid ritual for yourself to do and telling people about it. “I can’t step on the cracks in the footpath!” “Whenever I see a red car I get to poke you.” If you actually had a disorder that made you believe that, you wouldn’t be shitting on about it. It would be your secret shame.
9. Saying “I’m so crazy”
10. Eating some weird food combination like ketchup with something ketchup doesn’t go with, and yapping on about it all the time, or demanding it be made available to you.
11. Any stupid or silly behaviour that seems forced, and that the person doing it feels the need to advertise to everyone.