Harvesting some wisdom from my poor choices

The wonderful thing about making lots of mistakes, all the time, is that you learn from them. This week I have amassed so much wisdom and life experience, I shudder at how awesome of an old person I will grow up to be. I’m going to be like a sexy female Yoda, but my advice will be simple and easy to understand.

I’d like to point out here that the advice most people give on the internet is crap. You know those lists you get in chain emails from your aunts, with tips like “dance like no one’s watching”. I trusted those lists, and now there’s a video in existence of me doing what appears to be the robot, but was actually supposed to be salsa. People are watching, and practically every item in their pockets can record video. Then there was another gem of a suggestion: “ask advice from a child- they have a fresh perspective..etc” Yeah, how cute. But I really don’t see how magic is going to help me with my divorce.

Anyway. It might look heartwarming on paper, but it’s not realistic. My list is a week’s worth of hard lessons learned, which I will share with you not to make you go “ahh” but to seriously change your lives for the better.

1. Never start eating peanuts or popcorn if there’s nothing to drink.

2. Buy a gel for burns. Don’t put it off, buy it next time you buy aspirin or something. Actually just get a first aid kit like a grown up. You probably don’t have any antiseptic stuff either. And you know what’s good for really itchy mosquito bites? Not that bullshit they sell you for bites, that doesn’t take the itch away. Get some calamine lotion. (the pink stuff)

3. So many burns this week it’s not funny. Remember, every time your food is really hot but you don’t want to wait – it’s not worth it. I know, you’re really hungry and you think taking small bites and mixing with lots of saliva, everything will be ok, but it won’t. Your tongue will be burnt and you won’t be able to enjoy life for the next two days.

4. Always go for a pee before you leave anywhere. There is nothing so unpleasant but so easily avoidable as needing desperately to pee.

5. When you’re in a hurry changing your trousers, don’t even pause to consider whether the leg will go over your shoes or not. It might, but it takes longer. You could broaden this piece of advice if you want even more time saving benefits: Shortcuts tend to waste more time in the long run. Or something. But it definitely applies to the trousers over shoes situation.

6. Never miss a bus on purpose because you want to finish a cigarette. There won’t be a next one. Ever.

7. If you can’t remember why you stopped drinking vodka, stop right there. It wasn’t “probably for some stupid reason”. It was for a good reason. If you ingest vodka again, the episode will surely repeat itself, and you’ll have to go to all the trouble of blocking the memories again.

8. Clean up spilt dairy products immediately. Like, yesterday. sorry, this is becoming a bit of an angry letter to myself.

9. If you’re depressed about the heaps of clean clothes you haven’t put away, stop washing clothes. A heap of dirty clothes is acceptable, and can even be shoved in black bin liners until you are emotionally ready. Clean clothes will just make you feel guilty if they aren’t dealt with.

10. Go to bed. Just do it. I know you’re not tired, but go to bed. You don’t want to repeat this morning all over again tomorrow.


3 responses to “Harvesting some wisdom from my poor choices

  1. and…
    11. don’t talk to your professors about passionate subjects after you have ingested an enormous amount of caffeine. they will think you are crazy
    12. don’t buy pants a size too small so you will be encouraged to loose weight. you will just end up with a lot of small pants
    13. If you like the girl that works at the coffee shop you frequent, ask her out RIGHT AWAY or else things will get weird and you it will be too late.

  2. Don’t forget the ever important…

    …Never be afraid to fart in front of your significant other. The moment you fall asleep and let one rip (and we all do it) you’re busted for the gaseous fraud that you really are. So just go with it. You’re intestines will thank you for it.

    …If you stuff your undersized bra with socks to make yourself look more voluptuous, you’ll just wind up attracting some superficial dude who probably has a pair of socks rolled up in his jock strap. You won’t wind up with a deep, meaningful relationship, but you will always have at least one pair of clean socks between you.

    …If you are willing to purchase cellulite creams and stretch mark erasing products from infomercials, you’ll wind up with 3 things: cellulite; stretch marks and an empty wallet.

    and finally, and perhaps most importantly, if you actually gave a shit about my advice enough to have read it all, you have too much fucking time on your hands. Seriously though, thanks for a really entertaining blog. I love your wry sense of humor.

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