The wonderful thing about making lots of mistakes, all the time, is that you learn from them. This week I have amassed so much wisdom and life experience, I shudder at how awesome of an old person I will grow up to be. I’m going to be like a sexy female Yoda, but my advice will be simple and easy to understand.
I’d like to point out here that the advice most people give on the internet is crap. You know those lists you get in chain emails from your aunts, with tips like “dance like no one’s watching”. I trusted those lists, and now there’s a video in existence of me doing what appears to be the robot, but was actually supposed to be salsa. People are watching, and practically every item in their pockets can record video. Then there was another gem of a suggestion: “ask advice from a child- they have a fresh perspective..etc” Yeah, how cute. But I really don’t see how magic is going to help me with my divorce.
Anyway. It might look heartwarming on paper, but it’s not realistic. My list is a week’s worth of hard lessons learned, which I will share with you not to make you go “ahh” but to seriously change your lives for the better.
1. Never start eating peanuts or popcorn if there’s nothing to drink.
2. Buy a gel for burns. Don’t put it off, buy it next time you buy aspirin or something. Actually just get a first aid kit like a grown up. You probably don’t have any antiseptic stuff either. And you know what’s good for really itchy mosquito bites? Not that bullshit they sell you for bites, that doesn’t take the itch away. Get some calamine lotion. (the pink stuff)
3. So many burns this week it’s not funny. Remember, every time your food is really hot but you don’t want to wait – it’s not worth it. I know, you’re really hungry and you think taking small bites and mixing with lots of saliva, everything will be ok, but it won’t. Your tongue will be burnt and you won’t be able to enjoy life for the next two days.
4. Always go for a pee before you leave anywhere. There is nothing so unpleasant but so easily avoidable as needing desperately to pee.
5. When you’re in a hurry changing your trousers, don’t even pause to consider whether the leg will go over your shoes or not. It might, but it takes longer. You could broaden this piece of advice if you want even more time saving benefits: Shortcuts tend to waste more time in the long run. Or something. But it definitely applies to the trousers over shoes situation.
6. Never miss a bus on purpose because you want to finish a cigarette. There won’t be a next one. Ever.
7. If you can’t remember why you stopped drinking vodka, stop right there. It wasn’t “probably for some stupid reason”. It was for a good reason. If you ingest vodka again, the episode will surely repeat itself, and you’ll have to go to all the trouble of blocking the memories again.
8. Clean up spilt dairy products immediately. Like, yesterday. sorry, this is becoming a bit of an angry letter to myself.
9. If you’re depressed about the heaps of clean clothes you haven’t put away, stop washing clothes. A heap of dirty clothes is acceptable, and can even be shoved in black bin liners until you are emotionally ready. Clean clothes will just make you feel guilty if they aren’t dealt with.
10. Go to bed. Just do it. I know you’re not tired, but go to bed. You don’t want to repeat this morning all over again tomorrow.