I didn’t remember what I was going to write, so of course it was the greatest most enlightened observation I would ever make. I wonder how many physicists have woken up with a headache, dry mouth and vague recollection of a unified theory they would never remember. I’m glad I’m not a physicist, that would be an awful burden.
Speaking of hangovers, I don’t have one. This is thanks to two sensible decisions I made yesterday. The first being that, financial problems notwithstanding, I splurged and bought only good, expensive wine. I will empty my bank account with a last flourish of luxury, not a sad trickle of groceries and bills. I go down today like the Titanic’s orchestra, without a struggle, maintaining normality until it’s no longer possible to maintain anything. The second decision was one I have always meant to implement as a habit, but never manage- a pint of water before bed. Quality wine and preventative hydration makes all the difference.
Shouldn’t it be easier to have good wine? I don’t mean ancient, expensive wine that you are supposed to savour or spit out, but something in the middle of the list. I wish every kitchen was fitted with a third tap, hooked up to the central reservoir of a medium-bodied red. The wine bill could arrive monthly and be added to the household budget (as it should be). No more clinking bottles, struggling home from the supermarket with as much as you can carry, hoping nothing slips and breaks. No gentle, strategic resting of the heavy grocery bags while fumbling for your keys. No more reluctant trip to recycle the glass bottles whose smell in the kitchen is a constant reminder of responsibilities shirked. There would no last dribble to share between the thirsty. No sinking realisation that the place with the nice wine is closed, just at the peak consumption hour, and the only remaining option is the ominously labeled “red wine” from the corner shop. If everyone had wine on tap, the price would fall considerably. Costs of bottling and labelling would be eliminated, and anyone in need of something more sophisticated is under no obligation to open the tap.
Sometimes I don’t feel like a full bottle to myself, and then I could just turn the red tap (“hot” could be given a yellow makeover) and serve myself exactly the amount I desire. Unexpected guests? There will always be wine. Going through a bad breakup? No need to get dressed and shuffle down to the shop, exposing yourself to unwanted human interaction. Wine is on tap, baby, there’s no need to go anywhere. Alcoholics can use their wine bill to track how much they really drink. The benefits are manifold. We have had water on tap for 100- 200 years, why not take the next step towards a convenient living experience and apply that technology to wine? It won’t happen, I know. I wouldn’t last long in politics, too many incriminating stories and photos would surface. So I’ll just put this out there, plant the seeds. I’m sure the invention of putting things in pipes and giving us taps to get the things out of the pipes won’t just die with water. It has to go on. There are so many pointless things in our homes- garlic crushers, apple core removers, egg peelers, feather dusters, that just go unused. I understand some kinks would have to be worked out, such as keeping the wine in good condition and choosing which wine goes into every home, but that can be worked out later. Just… think about it, ok people?