Sleeping in clothes

I’m not a big pyjama wearer. I don’t see the point in wearing special clothes in bed, unless it’s really fucking cold. Clothes are things we wear as humans because of modesty, to prevent being raped constantly, to avoid awkward family situations, to keep warm and to display our superior taste and status. In bed, you’re probably not flashing anybody your privates. You’re already somewhere warm and comfy, and no one is there to be impressed with what you picked out from a shop. So why wear clothes in bed? Bed is nice and comfy and it’s great to stick a leg out the side into the cool crisp air and regulate your temperature that way. That’s why I hate being stuck on the inside of the bed. A very important thing to remember at the start of any relationship, is not to bow to the bed-side dominance of the other party. Submit now and live with the nightly overheating. If only you could just splay that leg out… but you can’t. Just hope the relationship goes bad soon, because that’s the only hope you have of ever regaining the good side of the bed.

Anyway, I’m just saying, I don’t really get the idea of pyjamas. I understand sexy nighties, but I don’t have any because they just look stupid. If I’m getting changed for bed, I don’t want to look sexy, I want to be in bed all warm and sleepy. If I have a gentleman caller sharing the bed that particular night, I’m definitely not going to whip out the bows and stockings and the like. If there is sex on the cards, I’m certainly not going to flegm out a “let me change into something more comfortable” and frighten the poor sucker out of his wits. I already waxed my legs for the potential visitor to my boudoir, he’s not getting a costume change. And who is this guy, anyway? Fuck him. What did he do for me? Shave his beard? I probably don’t even like how he shaved it. What’s he wearing, a clean t shirt? Actually, that is a nice suit. But I’m still not wearing some see through useless garment designed only to be taken off, that is supposed to simultaneously arouse a man but still have bows and flowers on it? Do men like bows? I didn’t think men liked bows. But anyway. No one cares if I have stupid lingerie or not. I had a matching underwear set but it was stolen from me. True story, it’s on here somewhere. Anyway. Not important.

So I have a cold now, and a really sore throat from all the superfluous smoking I did over the weekend, when I already had a sore throat. So I decided to put on my pjs, the ones I got for Christmas that look so soft and fleecy… but then I put them on, and the soft fleecy part is on the outside. That’s right, the soft part of the fabric is engaged in looking soft, but not on actually rubbing against the sensitive organ that is the skin. And then there are the slippers- they look like wisps of marshmallow cloud, but that’s the outside too. The inside is another fabric, also soft but definitely not cloud quality.

Now that I think about it, this is a pretty common occurrence. Stuff that is wonderful to the touch is being squandered on the visual side of things, and then we buy them and then we wear them and it’s a big fat lie. I wonder if to blind people, it just seems even more insane than it does to me. They’re probably all like, these idiots sewed the labels on the wrong side (again!), what a bunch of morons. I would like to point out that I haven’t got any qualms about wearing something inside out, but it’s just the… actually, there is nothing stopping me. I’m going for it.

And… it feels wonderful. Problem resolved, just this once.


2 responses to “Sleeping in clothes

  1. Yeah I totally wouldn’t even bother wearing clothes too, but I Sooooo fear my ass getting raped. I’m glad we’re on the same page here.

    I’m a man of comfort. Which means dressing like a homeless person when I’m at home. But PJs to bed?! That’s TOO much. Don’t people sweat?! Christ, when I pass out in a drunken stupor and even an article of clothing is on me (like socks, wearing socks to bed is fucking gross) I’ll awake an hour later completely drenched. I don’t get it.

    Awesome post, made me laugh

    • Thanks! Although I differ from you there… I seem to be just very anti- pjs, because now that I think about it, if even a single jam jar of wine passes my lips, I’m not getting undressed for bed. I regularly wake up in clothes and even shoes, quite comfortable. But of course, sweating like a sex offender in a Barney costume. I used to have one of those lingerie things that’s not for sleeping in, rather lounging seductively on a long chair, but the fake whalebone or whatever the crap inside bent out of shape because I kept falling asleep in it.

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