4 Things that make no sense to me

1. What’s the deal with those open-toed shoes? I don’t mean proper open shoes, I’m talking about the “toe cleavage” style that for some reason is fucking everywhere in summer. Are toes sexy? Is it relieving your feet from any of the summer heat? No, because your sweaty hooves are still enclosed in a plastic shell. It’s just two or three skeletor toes creeping out the middle, probably with a grotty painted nail. Feet are sexy to people with foot fetishes, but I don’t think most women are choosing shoes with fetishists in mind. So to the rest of the world, you are just exposing one of the ugliest parts of the body for no fucking reason other than some footwear designer got bored with covering the shape of a foot, and designed a shoe with a hole in it, and now it exists therefore it sells. Seriously what is this style about? I love shoes. I love heels, I love a lot of stupid looking shit. But this baffles me. Are toes erotic? It’s like we’re supposed to be catching a glimpse of some forbidden part of the body, like the toe is somehow cheeky and peeping out. Even if you have relatively non-ugly feet, it looks stupid. And if you’re part of the 90% of the population whose feet resemble Sarah Jessica Parker’s face, your toes are just going to be squished out the tip of the shoe and look ridiculous. Now I know all the images on google are of footwear models and celebrities wearing them so I can’t show you the full extent of the horror, but most women on the street, whose feet are not photographed, have ugly ugly feet (like I do) and should like, bag those toenails. Oh and that was an unpleasant image search. Who knew how infected a nail could get?

2. The confusion over what “curvy” means. On the one hand, we have men claiming to love big butts, and prefer curvy to skinny. On the other hand we have obese people who think this validates their lifestyle choice. The idea of curvy is better is seductive to fatties, but they forget what curvy means. Curvy is Christina Hendricks. Curvy is Catherine Zeta Jones. Curvy was never “out”, forget about fashion models because they are meant to make clothes fit them, not appeal to our ideas of perfect bodies. Curvy isn’t suddenly being accepted after decades of obsession with skinny women… Curvy was always the favorite of most men and the envy of women. Curvy is a pert, rounded little bottom and two hands full of firm boob. Curvy is a little waist in between the comparatively larger hips and chest. It’s not muffin tops and love handles and armpit boob. Kim Kardashian, one of the other postergirls for “yay, curvy women in your face, embrace that shit!” would never ever have been considered fat or too big. Can we stop pretending men liking women who don’t look like little boys means I can keep eating spreadable gorgonzola from the tub?

A womans definition of "curvy". Also check out the leg hairs.

A mans definition of the word "curvy"

Let’s be realistic. Fatties act like women have to make a decision some time between being a miserable skeletor bitch or a tubby ball of charisma and laid-back pizza eating sexyness. And that’s another thing I hate. This habit fat women have of calling anyone smaller than them “anorexic” is fucking offensive. Anorexia is an eating disorder just like eating way too fucking much. So fat women hating on skinny girls who can’t make themselves eat, is horribly bitchy. And it’s saying the only way you can be skinny is to be totally unhealthy, so it’s better to be fat and not bother trying to lose weight. And then pretending being mortally obese is a personality trait or something to embrace like race or cultural differences. It’s not an alternate body shape, like having big boobs and a small ass or having short legs and a long body. It’s not like fat people grow extra usable parts. It’s just fat, and it just grows on top of the real body and chokes whatever’s underneath. It’s just more of the most useless part of a normal body. If eating too much made you grow another arm, or a tail or another ass… fair enough. I could respect that. Ugh I hate really fat people. There’s a book by Monique or however the fuck she spells here name, called “skinny women are evil.” What a moronic bitch. And I bet she sold a lot of copies.

3. Why would anyone want to re-enact a war?

It doesn’t make sense. I can’t think of anyone who does it apart from Americans I see sometimes on tv, but it seems like a really fucked up idea. Aside from being boring, it’s fucked up. I can’t imagine people putting on a World War 2 re-enactment, or one of the civil war in Ireland or the invasion of the Malvinas/Falklands. Why the American civil war? Was it a pleasant war? I don’t get it.

4. Cavalier King Charles Spaniels.

What is this? Is this supposed to be a dog?

Look at a wolf.

Look at that. That’s an animal worth domesticating. That’s an animal whose respect means something. If something that looks like a wolf is willing to be tied to a leash and follow you around like you’re the alpha wolf, that means something. That’s a guard dog, a bodyguard and a pretty cool steed for small children. If you live somewhere with snow, you can strap one of those to a sled and travel for free. It probably helps you pick up chicks too. Look at the dignity in that face. That’s a face would worth beating into submission and making your bitch.

Now look at the Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. How did that happen? I know, I know, we can’t all go around with wolves. It’s not realistic. But what the fuck is the point in having some little asshole dog with floppy ears and a bark that only serves to alert you when you sit on it by mistake, or on purpose? Get a German Shepherd. A sheep dog. Sheep dogs aren’t badass but they are smart and still have some dignity. They’re friendly all right, but they can also tear up a few sheep on a bad day. I blame rich women throughout history for castrating the dog species like this. How else would the noble, fierce wolf have been bred in the direction of chihuahuas and spaniels? It’s shameful. It’s a good thing dogs don’t know they used to be wolves, or there would be dog suicides all over the shop. Or maybe that would be preferable to all these feeble little runts yelping from their Louis Vuitton dog bags.


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