Things I think impress people, volume 2: Cake

I’m going to a barbeque this weekend (hellllooooo motherfucking social life) and I’m going to make a cake. I love baking cakes but it’s so much fucking hassle and then I just end up eating it by myself. Or I’ll make two cakes and share one and the other is a secret shame cake I eat alone in bed. So I don’t make cakes very often. But I can feel one coming on…maybe it’s the hangover.

I’m going to impress the hell out of everyone with my chocolate whiskey cake. So tasty and moreish. And a perfect prop for me to play my sexy part. I don’t know why but eating cake is deemed an acceptable time to make orgasm faces and noises in public. Of course, I tend to take all the subtle out of the equation and practically deep throat my icing-sticky fingers in some poor man’s direction. Ooooooh it’s so fucking good… I want more… I want more of this sweet sticky goodness in my mouth… oh yeah oh that’s it yeah more, mmmmm so fucking good…so creamy… so moist…mmmm yeah harder harder fucking harder that’s it oh yeah don’t fucking stop oh fuck yeah that’s it i said don’t fucking stop im nearly there…. All things that are totally fine to say just because there is cake involved. Maybe not in a string like that, but individually… we all say filthy shit when eating cake. My mother does this to really uncomfortable effect. She closes her eyes when eating nice food. I’m on edge as soon as we order- please don’t do orgasm noise. Please don’t do that shit. It’s a restaurant. Her eyelids flutter closed and it’s all “mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…. mmm hhhhmmmm hmmmm” and it ruins my appetite. I’ve never had the guts to just get out with it, tell her that no one outside of a low fat yoghurt ad enjoys a spoonfull that much. How to broach the subject? And that every time we go to a restaurant together, I’m secretly hoping they burn her dish. But she doesn’t even have to have a main course or dessert – even trying a good olive, or a small piece of cheese is enough to send my mother into fits of over the top food appreciation. I have never baked her a cake.

But I’m going to make a cake. And I’m going to lace it with alcohol and put way too much icing on top. Cakes need lots of icing or you may as well eat a piece of fucking toast in my opinion. The sponge part bores the hell out of me. Old lady cakes are the worst. And then those versions of chocolate cake that look sumptuous and rich but are actually dry and flavourless, just a brown version of a fairy cake, and have marmalade or jam or some crap in the middle… what a jip. I like a cake that’s moist and totally overloaded with flavour. A cake that with one slice, makes you instantly feel too sick to ever eat anything again and you have to lie down to deal with it properly.

So I’m aiming for that kind of cake, and hopefully everyone will be as impressed as I am with myself. Here’s hoping a nice specimen of manhood appears, so I can show my knife wielding and baking skills. I have already gone off hottish guy with girlfriend. I facebook stalked him for a little, mentally crunching our numbers… running over positions and venues and considering the furniture in my apartment best suited for an attractive scene. Really need to get a high chest of drawers for my bedroom… none of my furniture will do outside the kitchen, and there are no curtains… and my kitchen is almost too dirty for sex. I looked at his photos… I imagined what kind of dick he might be equipped with. Pity always have to do all the effort before you get a look at the cock. It’s kind of important. I’m not a discriminating asshole, I just hate pencils… Really a turn off, but it’s kind of too late when you find out… I’ll go through with it anyway but really just want it to be over. Guys with thin, spindly penises get my best efforts in bed or on my knees- I just want them to come quickly and get it over with. There should be some kind of cock register online where you can check someone out before committing the time and energy. I looked at his wall….and read a lot of very uncomfortable-making sweet nothings between him and his girlfriend (who is actually fiancee). He reminds me of myself when I was all in love and naive and thought I had found my soulmate… sick making. I feel dirty and ashamed of myself for trying to get in the way… no I don’t actually. It’s just a turn off to see a guy so besotted with someone (else). Poor guy, wonder how much he will have invested in his relationship by the time it ends… it will of course end… although he does seem much nicer than I am so maybe he’s capable of supporting a ball and chain.

Also realised he probably is just friendly. The leg touching is probably part: drunken intimacy and part: he was not going to jump away in horror just because a part of our bodies touched. And then I considered, if he did want to get freaky with my killer body, he probably would take it to mean a lot more than it would… I know when I cheat on my current soulmate I always think I have some kind of bond with the guy I’m screwing on the side. It’s hard to have a heavily invested emotional relationship with one person and not carry some of that shit over into what should be “just a bit of fun”. When I’m in a lovely committed relationship, I miss the ferocity of sex with someone I don’t give a shit about, who I just want to use and discard. But I forget how much I miss having my hair stroked and my face kissed and my neck caressed and getting the good, serious oral…and actually most of my boyfriends didn’t really do that shit either… but I end up being really sweet and tender with my random hook ups and expecting them to care and lie there afterwards talking…. When I’m in a relationship, I mean.

Ooh maybe hottish guy will give me boyfriend head? That would be not too bad at all… No, forget it. He is clearly not interested. Will have to find another set of ears to squash between my wonderful thighs.

And win over their owner with cake.


7 responses to “Things I think impress people, volume 2: Cake

  1. “I have never baked her a cake.”

    Fucking genius MFO.

    Also pics of cake or it never happened. I need something new to ruin my computer screen to. “What’s this?! A picture of cake?! NNNNNNAAAHHHGGGGUUUHHHHDICKEXPLOSION!”

  2. Pingback: Two weeks with your parents, anyone? « More fucking opinions from someone on the internet.

  3. Pingback: A really awful whiney post « More fucking opinions from someone on the internet.

  4. Pingback: I’m a rude bitch too… « More fucking opinions from someone on the internet.

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