And another thing… time-delayed drunkard’s remorse

You know what else is cool?

DELAYED motherfucking drunken flashbacks. Here are my faves that eluded me until today, when they crashed in on my like stealthy, monstrous beasts of remorse:

In no particular order.

– For some reason, burst out with “Deutschland Uber Alles!” to a Polish girl. I instantly realised… Poland… war… shit… she must think I did that on purpose… but I didn’t. Some guy was asking, what is Germany called in German, and I was like “DUDE! You know that one! Deutschland Uber Alles! Duh!” but the deutschland uber alles part came out in a booming song form. There is no recovery… just move on.

– Drunk me seems to think my line from the other night about “if I liked you at all, my hand would be down your pants” was really witty and cool, so I repeated it. To a nice, normal reserved guy who didn’t hit on me….  totally out of context. He was just asking me about my seeminly OTT anger towards Hank Scorpio. So I just yelled my slutty catchphrase at him all smug like I’d said something really clever and poignant. Fucking hate drunk me.

– Was talking to HGWG (hottish guy with girlfriend) about being married and getting divorced. And decided to tell him the story of how I once had sex on a bus.

– Seem to have told my taxi driver all about how I fucking hate that hair removal cream because I swear, three days and I’ve got fucking regrowth. What is the point in that? He was all, I hear that! Yeah waxing is the way to go. And I was like yeah but the only thing about waxing is I don’t like the random strange woman pulling back my…

oh god no the shame. Can’t even type it. That’s enough. I want to bury this all deep into the recesses of my horrible mind again and not allow it to emerge again. Lalalalallalala oh fuck I’m going out again tomorrow, there’s no stopping me.

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13 responses to “And another thing… time-delayed drunkard’s remorse

  1. All you have to do is find and stick with one “waxing” woman.

    Now that must be an interesting job and think what fun stories she could tell when you befriend her and she becomes your drinking buddy. She could start talking about denuded vulvas and draw away all the pervs so you could have a clear run at the guys who are left and who aren’t interested in… OK, that’s not going to work but she might at least give you a discount.

    • I can’t find one I ever want to go back to again… they’re all horrible and use your vulnerability to sell you arm waxes you didn’t think you needed, or lecture you about leaving it so long…. I want a kindly middle aged latin woman, with the aspect of a nurse. All I’ve come across here so far are bitchy, orange-faced girls around my own age who make me feel all insecure about my vadge. I’m terribly afraid if I got one of them drunk they might admit that really, mine IS weird looking. This is why I don’t go drinking with my gynocologist either…

  2. So if the women are all like that then it explains why certain men go there to have their “back, crack and sack done.”

    I’ve never understood that idea that some women think their bits down there are weird looking. I’m so fucking grateful when I get to see one that I wouldn’t give a toss if it started speaking French (There is a French porn movie about this).

    But ask and ye shall receive. http://www.vaj-jvisor.com/ It is a strange world out there and I swear I came across this by accident just a few minutes ago on Reddit.

  3. I’m guessing that link is NSFW… the internet and its inhabitants never cease to amaze me. I don’t really obsess about my lady parts, because of the gratitude you mentioned… you know most guys are not thinking “ewww, it’s pinker than the last girl’s! I’m outta here!” but when your up in stirrups with a professional’s cold, calculating eye on you…. can’t help but get paranoid. He doesn’t have any reason to be grateful. He’s just judging. Why he? They’re women. I don’t know. I just prefer to imagine men down there…

    • It’s a very safe link and thanks for reminding me of this joke. :)

      A lesbian goes to a gynecologist and the gynecologist says, “I must say, this is the cleanest twat I’ve seen in ages.”

      “Thanks,” said the lesbian. “I have a woman in 4 times a week.”

      • Nice. Oh man I just looked at that site now. Whaaaat? I have never worried about getting my vag sunburnt! Who is this for? What the fuck? Who is going to carry this around in their handbag? Oh, that’s just my vagina shield to protect my labia from errant wax and uv rays…. no. absolutely not.

  4. Just don’t ever use a razor. Ever. Jesus, the ingrown hairs are not worth the one night of awesome boning.

    Also. I fully support your catchphrase. Right to the point.

    • YEAH it is! Also, if more women used it as a rule, then we could abolish quite a lot of misunderstandings and convict on more rapes… It would be like, was her hand down your pants? And the rapist is like, no. And then the judge rules, if her hand wasnt down your pants, she wasnt into you. It doesnt matter if she was drunk or if she was behaving sluttily. Its hand down the pants or nothing. I should be in charge of more shit. Except I’m seeing a problem here if a man isnt interested and women just go around rummaging in their pants willy nilly (tee hee) then men might feel a bit raped too. Also, some women have long pointy nails. So this could be problematic to implement as a law… But I still think that without being a fascist and making everyone do what I do when Im drunk we could at LEAST be a bit clearer about our intentions so men cant use the excuse that women say no when they mean yes. And in return men could accept yes and not get all scared off when a woman doesnt lead him in a dance of coy slow seduction…. and shaving isnt really the worst for ingrown hairs (in my awesome opinion), but the regrowth is such a bitch… I only get about a 6 hour window for awesome boning before Im stubbly again. So not worth it at all.

      • When I finally take over this world, I’m making your catchphrase a law. It doesn’t really matter what type of girl you are. If you’re sticking your hands down a guys pants he’ll be into it.

        Except for that one time a stripper went up to me, “Do you know what I like most about a guy that wears shorts? Easy access.” I totally considered that rape. It was the only time I ever cried.

        • It would be so awesome, imagine there’s a girl in a bar, and some guy comes up and is like, “uh… did it hurt? when you fell over in my dreams last night?” and instead of having to say fuck off or ok buy me a drink but still fuck off, the girl can just wave her two hands in the air and he’ll be like oh right, her hands are clearly not occupied rummaging around in my pants so she’s NOT FUCKING INTERESTED. And then he will turn to her less attractive friend who will be really offended at being second choice but her hand IS in his pants and then he realises that she is interested so he should spend energy on this girl and not the better looking one who wasn’t toying with his member… actually no there’s no reason to buy her drinks or impress her any more because her hand’s already down there, she’s a sure thing. Ohhhh…ok now I’m starting to get why men like women to play hard to get. Crap. And I agree with Desiree or Chastity or Selfrespect or whatever her name was… I love a guy in shorts or really any trousers that don’t have nasty metal buttons and zips. In the spirit of being crap in bed but acting like I’m not, I like to grind up against my chosen victim while checking out endowment while I’m at it.. but those hard metal bits are really annoying and jeans are the worst with that placket that covers the zip that’s like four layers of denim and you can’t even feel size or consistency…

          • I can just picture a bar full of girls just waving there hands around telling every guy in the bar they’re not interested. Awesome.

            Also.

            She was black. And seriously her name was Cognac. She was built like a fucking Amazon. I’m into chicks that can fuck YOU. But she had muscles that I couldn’t even comprehend exist on a woman. I was in Road Island. Note. Never go to Road Island if you ever visit the states.

            Fun times.

            • Hahhahahahaha……..Don’t worry I’m never going to Road Island…mwahahahahaha… I love how when I stay in on Saturday night (I bit my tongue so hard it bled yesterday and it was really painful to drink and smoke so I stayed in) I wake up early on Sunday and get to feel all superior over the drunks. But I don’t like this Cognac person at all. I’m totally jealous. Why does she have muscles? I don’t have any. I’d like at least one, just in my thigh or something.

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