Finally fucking finally my figure is catching up with my confidence!

Dude I am so fucking happy right now.

I had dug out my stripey dress I was whining about bursting out of for over a year. I was so jubilant when the zip made it all the way up the back…. I considered getting off my ass and doing a victory lap around the block on my bike, and then discarded that idea because I have to inflate the tyres first which I still don’t know how to do. Then it ocurred to me, the rest of the bin liner full of clothes I couldn’t fit into two weeks ago. So I dove in. Admittedly, the jeans still won’t close, not one pair. But that’s ok because it’s summer and there is only one cold month a year where I wear trousers at all. So there’s time. If I keep up at this rate, by Christmas I might have that wonderful feeling again where my mother starts to worry I’m not eating enough. I remember that feeling… vaguely. Can’t wait to go home and hear my mother sidling indiscretely up to the bathroom door like she used to, to listen in case I’m puking up my dinner. Clarification: I was never bullimic, I just partied a lot. The vomiting was incidental. My mother wouldn’t believe me for some reason…

I fit stuff. I fit into a lot of stuff. All those little dresses, stuffed away in a fit of realism. Needed to put them away. Every morning was a desperate search for SOMETHING that looked good on me. I would alight on a dress I hadn’t worn in a while. Favorite dress! Yay! Couldn’t get it over my ass, even with the zip fully open. Crap. Depression. So I put them all away where their presence couldn’t upset me. And today, it was kind of like going shopping. Except with most of the new clothes landing in my wardrobe with broken zips and stains on the front. It’s ok though, all my dresses get stained or ripped after one use so they look practically new. I can’t believe how quick and easy losing weight was.

The only dress I still can’t remove from the skinny bag is this one I bought when I was very slim indeed (for me) and it’s incredibly slutty but Oh my dear sweet jesus of nazareth with a fucking hock of ham over his shoulder as he skates down the hill, I look GOOOOOOD in it. Except yes, I still can’t zip it up fully. And in my attempt to, the zip pinged off and landed somewhere on my filthy floor where it will live undisturbed for many a moon….

But I’m fucking happy as a pig in its own crap. You have no idea. I know, I just told you. But you still can’t imagine. Try to imagine being a woman, getting married when you were 21 and had a great figure and lots of nice dresses and a wonderful sex life and then two years down the road, being 10 kilos fatter and getting divorced (coincidence? there is no fucking coincidence) and having zero sex life and all my little dresses bulging out at the sides and even my sexy hold-all corset going out of shape so that now when i put it on, it holds the flab in place in the shape of a pregnant belly. And then imagine that you did a really half-assed job of going on a diet, for like two weeks, and took a few diet pills for a week that are supposed to be for obese people but you lied on the form online and said you were about 20 kilos heavier and got the pills and they do have a very disgusting side effect but you just woke up today and you are looking FINE. Then you basically know how I feel except obviously horny as well. And bored. I am clearly bored. Look at me talking to myself. Just waiting for the two weeks to be up, then I leave this city and go get some sweet, flattering action with my new bod.

CELE- fucking- BRATION time come on!

Oh no… paranoia and cynicism kicking in. This just means my plane will crash. Or explode. It would be so typical. I just get back to around my 17 year old figure, and I die. That is exactly what would happen. Fuuuuuuuuuuuck. Fuuuuuck I’ll never get to use this body, will I? Why did I have to start thinking that? WHY? WHY do I do this shit to myself? I’m such a dick. But a hot dick. OH yes.

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4 responses to “Finally fucking finally my figure is catching up with my confidence!

  1. Congrats to you. The added benefit of all this is that you have a semi-new wardrobe without paying for it. But as you can’t fit into that last “slutty” dress how, without it, is everyone going to know how slutty you are? :)

    So what are the side-effects in case we need to shed some pounds quickly?

  2. Thank you. The pills are called Alli and the way they work IS the side effects, because they make you not absorb some of the fat in your food so it just… exits the body in its pure state. It’s really gross. But it kind of makes you think twice about eating so much cheese, because wow that is unpleasant. Also I don’t know how much I should attribute to the pills and how much to my eating basically one small greasy meal a day plus bananas.
    And people will know how slutty I am by my battle cry “IS MY HAND DOWN YOUR PANTS?” and accompanying gestures

    • Maybe the pills aren’t such a good idea for me as I’d spend way too much time looking in the loo thinking “I don’t remember eating that.” LOL

      Your battle cry isn’t slutty… that’s just being friendly. :)

  3. Well it doesn’t look like food…just oil. It’s icky. But as it has made me feel like dieting for a short time has already had an effect, so that is a fantastic worthwhile motivator. Otherwise I probably would have given up by now

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