Return of The Site Stats

Oh first, yeah I was a wee bit hammered last night.

It’s true. I spelt things wrong. I see that now.

I’m ok today though, not hung over really… just that damn lemon liquor really freaking addled my brain… my family would definitely never give me hard tasty booze again if they knew it led me to take to the streets on a rampage of carelessness and potentially paying for lesbian sex.

Ohhhh and internet poker. I only lost about 3 dollars in the end, which is great, because I could easily have topped up my account with that devious little credit card. There should be a drunk lock on credit cards. I once had a party in my house and some guy I barely knew announced he knocked up some chick and was pretty happy about the fuck up, and I got so emotional and fucking HAPPY for this guy that I pulled out the mastercard and bought him a set of expensive hardback books on Amazon all about the psychology and development of babies. Ugh. I think there should be a little dock stuck to the wall to put your card in, that if you want to remove it, you have to breathe into it and if you’re too drunk, no shopping for you. That is a great invention. Shit please don’t copy my invention… OR, DO! I’m never going to be able to fashion a credit card breathalyser safe out of sellotape and origami so I would really just like someone to make this invention for me, put my name in there somewhere and send me a couple of freebies.

So craaaaap have to go to work soon.

It’s pissing rain outside, I can hear the cars slush past my window, ferrying ugly and boring people around in warm ergonomic seats, listening to music, wiping niusance rain off their windshields… bastards. They’re probably going shopping too.

Oh and I just checked my site stats and the search terms for a bit of an update to my perve count in the sidebar, and realised that on top of last month’s “shut in fucking slut load” I now have another hit for “shut in fucking slut lod” So what is that about?

What possible reason does someone have for googling that phrase? What did they want? Is it a misspell of shit? Is there a huge stream of traffic for “shit in fucking slut load” and I just get the poor spellers, misguided and lost? What does it all mean? And really, “www.fuckingmyoldlady.com” is not a search. What the fuck? People. Please.

You know when people talk about a “collective consciousness”? (No? You have been wise to avoid hippie gatherings, then) Well they are wrong. There is no collective consciousness, there is just the internet. And the internet is a fucked up weird awesome place… 95% porn, 5% bullshit scams that lure you in with promised short cuts to weight loss, wealth, penis lengthening and foreign language learning. If we were some astral beings with a higher level of thought or whatever the fuck hippies believe, the internet would be a different place. The internet is proof that we are sick little unsophisticated puppies, and also, that we are frustrated and happy that way.

But people… why old ladies fucking pets? Why you gotta do me like that?

And saying that, I’m out of the porn game. I wasn’t in the game… I mean, I’m out of watching porn. It’s boring. Fuck porn. It doesn’t make me horny, it just hassles the masturbation cortex of my brain until my body recognises it’s grown up sexy time, and does what it has to do, and then back to scouring the web for shit to grab my attention. I don’t even want to watch porn that is attractive or pushes my buttons. What is the point in porn? It satisfies the sexual urges about as well as the Nintendo Wii satisfies the urge to hunt. I used to enjoy porn, but i think it was mostly because it’s MEANT to be sexy, that marks porn watching time as exclusively sexy. It’s a grown up thing. It’s something private. It matches masturbation in those senses, so why not? But to be honest I have better faps to my own blurry thoughts than I ever did to those creatures in ridiculously unsexy outfits sitting on couches facing each other at 3/4 angles before launching right into some unprovoked fondling. Porn outfits are not sexy. I know, I clearly don’t speak for everyone here, because I also don’t think bestiality or incest porn is sexy and according to the site statisticians, my whole readerbase is made of people who do. But the thing is, porn stars have hot bods. A hot bod can wear anything and look good. So why the stupid trashy outfits? Ugh I’m getting started on this again. Enough. I have to put on some slap and head to work now. Don’t want to go. Want to stay home and not watch porn at all. Ever.

Ok. I’ll probably be posting again from work.

Advertisements

5 responses to “Return of The Site Stats

  1. I got a classic search engine term last week: “do womens vaginas wear out?”

    Yes.

    Yes they do.

    Things you should only be able to use after you pass a breathalyser: Credit Cards, Amazon.com, Facebook, text messaging. Anything that involves spending money you shouldn’t be spending and getting in trouble with the opposite sex.

  2. There should be a thing preloaded on Windows that goes in accessibility and you switch it on if you have alcoholic tendencies. So if you’re using your computer past midnight for email, credit card payments… facebook… etc it would ask you to answer some questions aloud and detect slurring, over the top enthusiasm, aggression, depression, insanity… and if you’re too drunk it just shuts off your use of anything and plays an Adam Sandler movie because your drunk brain can probably digest that and go to sleep and do no more harm. I blame 90% of my problems in life on the fact that I should not drink at all… recently I thought it would be really “hilarious” if I sent a “fake psycho” message to this guy I have a slightly complex thing with. So I wrote to him in the midst of a gin and tonics alone session during the day (didn’t even have the late hour as an excuse) saying just “I think about you all the time” and what I thought was funny, I don’t know. I think I thought he would read it in this sarcastic, fake sexy voice I had in my head. I don’t know. But it obviously read completely different, like “I want your babies.” Fuck fuck fuck. Stupid girl. Stupid. Who does that? Anyway. They should make my inventions. I love your search term by the way. Maybe now that you commented it on my page, I’ll get “vagina wear out” traffic? hope so.

    • It’s like right now. I’ve had a few hundred beers. And I just posted a mushy song on Facebook. I know I shouldn’t, but I give negative zero shits right now. WHY ISN’T MY COMPUTER STOPPING ME MFO?!

      I think we’re really onto something here. If only I was enough computer savvy to do something about this. Think about all the untold millions we could potentially be sitting on and all the potential millions we’d be burning through spending on stupid shit in our drunk rich stupor. FUCK!

      And you’re totally welcome on the potential free views. Anything to support the MFO army.

        • No, it just makes sense! You’re drunk, your computer smells booze… locks you out. Puts on some film about a goofy ne’er do well who meets a girl, is friends with Rob Schneider, and inherits money or a magic baseball or something, it’s your computer’s way of saying “last orders, you drunken piece of shit. Here, take this. It’s all you’re good for. BITCH!” and then it plays a whip sound effect. Game over. It’s called Sandler-Lock TM and it’s gonna be HUGE.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s