Got paid. Have to pay phone bill… very overdue phone bill. And electric bill. I was going to pay those tomorrow morning before work like a NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL grown up person. Getting things done, about fucking time! Write off a few of those pesky debts. The smaller ones, yes, but still a load of my mind.
And where are these bills? Can’t find them.
Looked in the boxes I have for bills. No. Not there. Instead I find some receipts for groceries, hair clips, lip balm and old sim cards with forgotten pin codes.
Look in more unlikely places. Folders I bought to organise my life. Empty. All empty.
Look under furniture. Yuck… Look on top of furniture. Oh wow that’s a lot of dust. Why is it sticky? Why is it sticky on top of my fridge?
Look in the bin. Have to take the bins out. Top layer of rubbish has a thick layer of downy white fur growing. It’s in such an advanced stage of growth, it doesn’t even gross me out. Still, have to remember to take the bins out tomorrow morning.
Look in really unlikely places. My wardrobe. My sewing drawer. My electronic thingies drawer. My shoeboxes full of crap. My makeup case. Inside my boots. Under the bed. Oh man, need to clean under the bed.
Look everywhere. EVERYWHERE.
Inexplicably look under the towels in the cupboard where I keep only towels. Find the electricity bill under the towels. Why? Why? No recollection of putting that there. Why? Still no phone bill.
Look inside the oven. Behind the tins of tuna and chickpeas. Inside books. Behind the toilet. EVERYWHERE. Not there. But from the location of the electricity bill, I can guess the other one could really be anywhere. I have this fucking idiotic way of putting things in places I would never expect to find them.
Sometimes I hide things inside books. I have a lot of books. Sometimes I hide my wages in books when I can’t get to the bank. But would I put my money in the same book the next time? No. So then I forget which book it’s in and have to spend a whole afternoon in a panic, suspecting every visitor to my apartment in the last month of stealing my money, turning out every book, flicking through pages… oh there it was, all along, inside that one. Not inside Great Expectations, which makes some sort of association I could remember. No. It’s in a really shitty book about these really boring people that has no relation to money whatsoever. Right. Sorry for mentally blaming you for theft, trusted loved ones.
But this time there is no finding that bill. UGH. So pissed off with myself for being so incapable. Have the money and the desire to pay this stuff, and can’t because I don’t have the bill. Also realised when rooting through my worldly belongings, that a really important document I need to present for my divorce is missing. Ooooooh why?
Fuck this I’m really getting tired of myself ALWAYS fucking up the simplest of tasks. That’s it, I have to stop considering myself to be the smartest person in the world. I spent 5 hours tonight trying to find that stupid asshole phone bill. I’m tired. I’m grumpy. I’m inclined to kick myself. How is it I can’t find the phone bill which is important and way overdue, but when I hide biscuits from myself there is no forgetting their location?
There is never going to be a way for me to get things done, is there?