I may have mentioned to you before that I fucking hate fashion. Love clothes, hate fashion. It’s a form of art, sure… but it’s fucking retarded. And anyone who says they aren’t influenced by fashion, myself included, is a lying cunt. Not being influenced by fashion would mean not looking like a normal part of society, however marginal, while walking down the street. Sure, today people wear such fucked up shit that you wouldn’t freak out at the sight of a rasta in a tutu or a goth in baby blue cowboy boots, but we still all dress in a way that fits in somehow. It just does. If you were to go back in time and wear a juicy couture tracksuit and hoop earrings, the local medieval folk would probably have aneurisms… or the consumption, or a fainting fit, or whatever they called it back then. But today you could walk around in the garb of any era and people would pretend to be too modern to bat an eye… Anyway I’m getting a bit lost here. What I wanted to say was that every time I think there is no fucking way fashion will go to some dark ridiculous place, it goes right on ahead because it has to stay weird and expensive and shocking, like some desperate teenager who is afraid their real personality won’t be liked…. or Lady Gaga…
Anyway because it keeps on fucking breaking the barriers of taste and sense, here are 5 things that seem unlikely now but just give it time, they will be on every catwalk and page of aspirational advertising within the next 5 years. Then I will be able to point to the date stamp here and say aha, I’m a fucking visionary, bitches. And then I’ll get a job sticking pins in skinny women and barking insanity at people. Woah that would be great. Man, I really hate creative people who make it in the mainstream. “oooh genius”, squeal the feeble minded assholes who in real life, if they haven’t been told it’s good by enough of their peers, will laugh and scorn and call “freaky”… I’d be a sellout too if I had enough fuckwads fawning over my every word, but I’d die a little inside… it takes talent to recognise genius, but 90% of the population will just take talent’s word for it… Ah another delicious departure from whatever the fuck I’m talking about.
So without further ado, my predictions for the rest of the decade: When you see this shit on the high street, be very fucking afraid, and impressed.
1. “Murder She Wrote” hair.
2. Odd shoes. (as in, shoes that don’t match the right and left feet)
3. Skirts on men, and I don’t mean kilts.
4. high heeled wellies.
5. Polyester horse tails on the ass of trousers and skirts for women.