There are literally hundreds of lighters in my apartment, and I don’t like to use that word lightly. The reason I have amassed so many in three years living here is that I used to work in a shop that sold lighters as well as other more interesting stuff, and every time I went outside for a smoke I would inevitably pocket a lighter. By accident. But they always wound up at home in the lighter drawer anyway. I used to have a lighter drawer. The horrible white Lidl drawers were my husband’s property so he took them and I was joyful except that I had to rehouse the lighters around various strategic points in the apartment. I thought it impossible for me to ever want for a lighter, there were so many… but last night saw my bedroom absorb 6 lighters. The strategic lighter stations around the apartment are all empty. I have had no visitors in…. a long time. It’s just me. Where are they? My room is relatively tidy at the moment, and I checked under the bed and in the general area I was smoking (my bed. I used my day off to catch up on my bedsores.) Where do these lighters go?
The problem is they are so small and portable. I get it, they should be portable for when you’re out and about, but most of my smoking (and life in general) takes place in a very small area. So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to get a brick and sellotape a lighter to it. Another elegant solution to one of life’s myriad petty annoyances… I’m hardly going to be able to lose a brick near my bed, am I? It’s really unbelievable how many lighters have disappeared from this room. And I buy lighters all the time, because I never have them in my bag or pockets. I bet they make them so small and unobtrusive so that they can keep selling lighters. I mean, how many times have you actually run out of lighter fluid? And had to actually bin a lighter? Yeah, like 5 times in your LIFE. And that was always a lighter you liberated from some careless individual at a party, wasn’t it?
I rest my case.
Keep it real and smoke on.
Update: came up with an even better idea than the lighter-brick. I’m going to tie a string to my bed’s frame and a lighter to the end of that. Maybe secure it with sellotape. Not sure yet.