A short list of people I wouldn’t fuck, and a longer one of advice for suicide contemplators.

Proof that HANK SCORPIO of astrology chat up line fame is the living embodiment of all that is wrong with this world:

Don’t ask why I have him on facebook… it happened before he revealed his multi-faceted turd of a personality, and I’m too afraid of being murdered by someone I barely know for being a dick to them to delete a friend. I just block most of their shit and don’t give them access to my photos and stuff.

Anyway this morning he posted a RAY WILLIAM JOHNSON video for all to see. With a smiley face. You know that guy, he’s one of the top viewed youtube asswipes, and next time there is a horrific teen rampage massacre somewhere, and the investigators check out the troubled kid’s computer, they will find the complete RWJ video collection saved to disk. It’s true. This man will cause deaths. If the only death he causes is his own, then I applaud society for being capable of producing (finally), one good assassination.

In fact his stupid face has prompted me to begin compiling a list.

MEN I WOULD ABSOLUTELY NOT FUCK, even if they wanted to, even if I was drunk:

1. Hank Scorpio. (the one from real life, not the Simpsons Hank Scorpio. I’d definitely do him, he was cool)

2. Ray William Johnson

3. That gender-ambiguous retarded child on youtube who jumps around squealing.

4. Anyone related (by blood) to me.

Right that’s all I can think of right now, but I’m sure there are more people I wouldn’t fuck, so yeah… I’ll come back to it.

Ooh I do like lists though.

You know what pisses me off about suicides? Not the selfish, chicken shit approach to life, leaving family members to deal with their grief and blaming themselves… not the ungrateful discarding of a life that so many people never get to live. Oh no. It’s this: If you decide to die, and you don’t care enough about your loved ones to keep living, then what else is holiding you back? Nothing! If you can do the most out-there thing a person can do, and kill yourself, you clearly have some kind of balls and imagination. I don’t admire it, I think it’s both cowardly and ballsy… but why not go do other fun shit? You don’t care about ruining your family’s life. You don’t care about your own life. Why not accomplish something?

Things I would do if I didn’t care about what people thought of me, how my loved ones felt, or what happened to me:

1. Slap someone else’s bratty child. See some whingey ungrateful little shit screaming in the supermarket, “I HATE YOU MUMMY I WANT THE HELLO KITTY PASTA!!!!”. Why seethe in silence? Go up to that child and give it a good smack across the face. Then for good measure, give the mother a slap too for being such a weak, pathetic tool that they are letting their child be an asshole because they’re afraid of giving discipline. If the father is present, a roundhouse kick or a good headbutt will make more of an impression. He deserves it. If the father is not present, tell that bitch to get herself a man so her kid has a chance of learning some discipline. And make it clear at once, none of that “you’re not my real daddy” bullshit will be tolerated.

2. Take heroin. Or crystal meth. Or one of the no-no drugs. Why the fuck not?

3. Have unprotected sex with random people. Let them come inside. Who gives a fuck? You don’t care what happens to you, you don’t care about other people, just do it. It would probably lift your spirits too, unprotected sex is THE BEST. Nothin beats it.

4. Climb a water tower. If you still want to jump once you’re at the top, go for it. At least it’ll probably be a pretty awesome feeling for a second before you die, instead of some nasty hanging gasping for breath as you regret what you did and nothing can be done about it. Take a shit in the water reservoir before you go. You can’t beat the “fuck you, people” of killing yourself, but you can put a turd coloured cherry on top.

5. Take out a loan and go to Vegas. Buy cool gambling clothes and create a back story for yourself. Get a load of those hookers wearing cocktail dresses to hang out with you and bask in your money. Pretend to have won big. Don’t actually gamble at all, just spend your last days in the best suite your crappy credit rating load could get you. Or do gamble. Whatever you like. No consequences if you’re going to die anyway!

6. Start a forest fire. Then run in and rescue someone, and become a hero. If you rescue a child, the mother or father will have to sleep with you if you wish. It’s the rules, they will do anything for their children. Check for milfs in your area and lure their kids into the woods before your fire. Frame your arch nemesis for the crime.

7.  See how much alcohol your body can take before you actually die of poisoning.

8. Go into the forest and eat random plants, berries and funghi until you start tripping out or die. It’s like Russian roulette, except one of the bullets makes me you hallucinate. I call it forest roulette.

9. Call up old friends from school you always hated and tell them there is a school reunion and when they show up, tie them up and shave off all their hair and eyebrows. If they are good looking, maybe give them a quick rape before you shave them, depending on your preferences.

10. Assassinate a youtube star who really pisses you off.

You see, there are plenty of things an uncaring dick can do. There is no need to kill yourself straight away. Saying that, I don’t endorse people going on murderous rampages before suicided. That’s just being a spiteful dick. You don’t want to live, fine. No one has the right to kill other people. But for instance if it was that Fred guy or the other Ray William Johnson guy.. I would let it slide.

Anyway. Please don’t murder me, anyone. I really like being alive.

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2 responses to “A short list of people I wouldn’t fuck, and a longer one of advice for suicide contemplators.

  1. Your most random post are always my personal favorites MFO. Well done. And if you do ever decide to off yourself please take out Ray William Johnson. The world will be a much more appreciated place for your act of mercy.

    • cheers man… yeah Ill never off myself, I have too big an ego, I honestly think the world might cease to exist if I wasn’t in it, either that or all the people who have ever met me would be unable to cope with life without me, so as a caring person I could never do it. But if I get some terminal disease, and lets face it, not that unlikely, Ray William Johnson will be first on the list. Above sky diving and seeing the aurora borealis and smacking a child.

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