What are you saying, Amazon? What the fuck? Do you want to start something?

Dude. Check this shit out.

I was browsing amazon looking for some hot juice with which to inseminate my virgin new kindle, and look at this bullshit.

This is why I Robot was realistic. In the future, artificial intelligence will be such a gimp it will make you want to smack it in its stupid Windows Aero themed face, and there will be lots of advertisements all the time.

Don’t worry about it Will Smith, people will forgive you for taking all that “vintage converse 2000” money when they see how eerily accurate that movie turns out to be…

But look. I just want to bitch slap somebody for this insult to my intelligence and integrity. I mean, come on. Also, I bought a fucking kindle. And let me tell you I’m well pissed off too because I registered my kindle in the US to get the 3G access they won’t give Europeans, I made up a bullshit address in beverly hills like I always used to use it online because it was the easiest zip code to remember and my home country doesn’t have enough land mass to warrant zip codes, and all was working fine, I had my free internet and woopdee doo, I could just about make out my email… but what most made me happy was the fact that Amazon likes Americans. Amazon gave me free games, free books.. just for saying I live on 123 Happy Boulevard, 90210. And then it was like, hey wait a second. You aren’t buying books in the country you live in. And I’m like, mind your own business, fuck off, how dare you spy on my shit? And then Amazon is all, well you can just call up customer service because you can’t buy any more books outside your country. So I got onto Sanjeed on the chat, and he was very helpful. I told him I’m from the U S of A, and I love guns and bitches as much as the next red blooded patriot, and restricting my book buying online was unAmerican and went against my freedom, and shit. Dang… Amazon. But Sanjeed just told me to put the right country in the box. I’m like, fuck no, Sanjeed. I’m on holiday. I’m hardly going to put the hotel’s address here am I? Sanjeed tells me the hotel address will do fine. I’m like… no. I find that inconvenient. Remove all restrictions at one! Post haste! Henceforth I shall roam free on the plains of my birthright, through fields of monochrome porn and I’ll do it without a firewall too… You know it feels SO much better without a firewall…  (I’m no longer an American now that Sanjeed’s inability to spot nationalities has become clear.) Sanjeed tells me he is sorry but it should work fine if I put the hotel address. Nargghhh.. Ok fine. You win this time, Amazon.

Well played. So I change my address to Italy. And I felt like an ugly girl with a nice ass and shiny hair, who gets wolf-whistled or grabbed from behind, and then turns around sharply and her face… oh god no her face… and the guy abandons his enterprise like a rat from a sinking ship, like Amazon from an Italian. COME BACK, free games! Come back free WIFI! I can only get wikipedia now. This sucks.

And now look how the bastards like to rub it in:

Salt in the wound, motherfuckers.

Salt in the wound.

Ok Update, I switched back to good old USA and have wifi again. I also have a DEVIOUS plan for when I actually want to purchase some books fo sho… I’m going to use my other amazon account (I even have aliases when I buy books, that’s how paranoid I am) to buy the shit “from Italy” and send it as a gift to me, in my trailer deep in the heart of Texas sipping root beer and eating twinkies. Is that real? Is tv real? You never know, maybe Americans are misrepresented too.

I’m reading Vernon God Little right now, it was in the house for AGES before I picked it up because my mother has led me seriously astray with books before and she said it was good so I was not interested. Don’t feel bad for my mum, it’s her fault for recommending “the secret life of bees” and some Paolo Coelho shit to me those two unforgettable times I took her advice on books. Never more. But this book is Awesome. Anyway where was I? I beat Amazon. Suck it, massively rich multinational. Eat my scorn! Mwahahahahah I win.


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