3 Little bits of advice on relationships from a slightly jaded young soon to be ex wife

Yo peeps, I’m about to lay down some serious advice nuggets for y’all. The fact that you are even reading this makes me think, it’s probably not for you… right now. If I had someone to bang, you could probably switch off my modem and I wouldn’t even notice. No that’s a huge overexaggeration, don’t ever switch off my modem. You don’t want to be the phone company guy when I got that nasty call about not paying my bills. TAKE AWAY MY INTERNET? You may as well cut off my FACE. Or better yet, do neither. I paid my bill anyway so I win that round.Ok without further ado, here are my latest thought-morsels for those of you lucky enough to have some piece of ass currently tollerating your halitosis and night farts.

1. Pretend to not be something you are, but don’t pretend to be something you’re not.

Hide your real personality, by all means bury that nasty psychotic mess deep as you can. Don’t let a new romantic interest see that you’re really as fucked up as they are. You’d run a mile, too (if you weren’t so damned lazy… but don’t tell them about that either)

But don’t fake something that isn’t there. You don’t want some shiny new person you’re attracted to to know you like to act out rape scenarios. That shit will seem less weird once you get to know each other. It’ll probably be cool, once you leave it til it doesn’t seem like you just roll out the fucked up carpet for every one night stand. Maybe. But you shouldn’t lie about shit like, say, loving anal. Or being into threesomes. Because whatever you say you like now, is going to stick. There’s no backing out of that shit later. You can add flaws to the nice polished image you constructed when you first met, but damn it you can’t take away anything positive. That just doesn’t go down well.

2. Pay close attention to their life story now, because they’ll never be this honest with you again.

When you first meet someone, it’s all about selling yourself as a well-rounded person of the world. You become tempted to give a back story, to talk about best times and worst times, and you don’t edit your past partners out of your anecdotes because you don’t have to. The person you’re talking to doesn’t give a crap yet, and probably isn’t really paying attention to the details. If you’re a ridiculous drunken flirt, you’ll probably end up giving juicy glimpses of your sexual history. You might compare “weirdest places you’ve fucked” or tales of heartbreak, depending on how drunk you are. Pay attention now. They’ll tell you all about that big important ex you will forever be jealous and suspicious of once you get together seriously, and there will be no way of pumping your lover for information. The vault is open right now, now that neither of you really give a crap about each other. Take notes. Remember names. These names and events will be very useful to you later when you want to fly into a rage because they met up with this person and you KNOW there’s something there but have only a vague recollection of some drunken conversation you shared ages ago and the details elude you because you were just waiting for your turn to talk about yourself, you egomaniacal jerk.

2. part B.

Don’t share so much. Just cause you’re a jerk, doesn’t mean they aren’t collecting dirt on you and your past. Don’t give out names of people you still have chemistry with, you’ll never be able to cheat with them without suspicion. Well, that is if your future partner is paying attention, which they probably aren’t, because let’s face it, you like an arrogant dick, don’t you?

3. Don’t get married.

Just don’t. Unless YOU will get a green card out of it, or you have kids with this person, there is NOT a good enough reason to tie yourself legaly to someone.

Because you’re in love? Puh leaze. Love is as bad a state for signing contracts as drunkeness, or drug intoxication, but after it subsides you can’t go get the papers ripped up because you weren’t in a fit mental state. Love is more powerfull and more crazy-making than alcohol, by a long shot, but in the eyes of the law, it’s the perfect time to sign over your entire life. Have fun, kids. But don’t put a ring on it. And don’t ever think you’ll be the exception to the rule, because you’re not, and if you are, why the fuck do you need to get married anyway? And if you have a friend who wants to get married and you think it’s stupid, TELL THEM. Find a good way to tell them, but don’t be a pussy. If you can’t tell your friend when they’re making a massive mistake with their life without them hating you for it, you’re not friends. And  you don’t want to be friends with this moron anyway, trust me I was married (still am, technically) and I became BORING. True story. I had to break up with the guy to go back to my natural state of awesomeness. Right now I have no fucking friends and no social life and I am still 5000% more interesting and fun to be with than when I was married and had nights out with our group of friends and someone to talk to in the evenings. The only person  I would ever marry again is my self, if I met myself and we hit it off (I don’t know if I’d like me, really) and if my other me was a man with a nice cock. I’d marry that in a heartbeat. Oh I would be so into myself. Imagine, me with a dick… I would never need to leave the house again.

Advertisements

2 responses to “3 Little bits of advice on relationships from a slightly jaded young soon to be ex wife

  1. You’re the third person this week that has told me to “Never get married.” I’m really starting to take it as a sign. I seriously think I’m going to take that advice.

    P.S. Dick chicks ftw.

    P.S.S. Someone found your site by typing in “is it possible to fuck in lady pee hole.” … Wow. Here I thought “Boner Proof Pants,” was a hilarious find. Consider me jealous.

    • Totes. You’re American anyway, you should have seen enough Judge Judy by now to know never to sign anything, ever. Boner proof pants is a wonderful find, don’t be hatin’ on boner proof pants. It’s a legitimate search… is it possible to fuck in lady pee hole is fucking insane. It scares me that someone typed that. The only way I can get to sleep at night is by telling myself “an infinite number of monkeys are probably in a room somewhere with internet access, and the search was just an inevitable result of that” Also… I love how he refers to the victim in question as a LADY.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s