I am woman, hear me gripe!


Hormones are responsible for everything shit.

Honestly I have never heard of anything good coming from hormones. (say “babies” and I will seriously roundhouse kick you in the teeth, virtually.)

Look, I have male hormones that make me hairy and quick to anger, and I have woman hormones that makes yanking out the man hairs even more painful (this week, anyway) while directing my man-rage in arbitrary directions and at the wrong moments.

I feel shitty because of my woman hormones, so I want to eat chocolate and cheese and wine, (not necessarily together) but because I have woman hormones, consuming addictive foodstuffs will make me fat in the hips and belly and ass and thighs.

I don’t get why ALL the fat isn’t stored in the boob area.

It’s stupid.

Biology is stupid.

You want to know what else is stupid about biology? (don’t interrupt, I’m on a rant here)

We’re supposed to be these amazing animals who don’t waste energy or bodily functions- but why doesn’t this clever body wait until it actually becomes pregnant to start preparing the womb for a baby?

Why do we have to have a period EVERY SINGLE MONTH when if our bodies just waited a few days until an egg actually got some spermy implantation action, and THEN start with the thickening of the lining, we wouldn’t lose iron which would have been really handy back in the day when triceratops steaks were few and far between (shut up I used to sleep through history, teacher had a boring voice) and we wouldn’t be hormonal and crampy and grouchy a few days out of every month.

We don’t have claws or a cool exoskeleton or wings supposedly because we don’t need them and it’s “expensive” in terms of calories or whatnot. I know, I know.. my biology knowledge printed on fabric would be too skimpy for Lady Gaga, but this is the internet and it’s not about knowing so much as opining. I opine, therefore I am.

My point is, wings are too expensive but preparing a womb for babies EVERY month is fine?

It’s a damned waste. Biology is holding us back, we need the vote. I vote wings.

And not those shitty little extras on panty liners, I want proper feathered wings, or at least bat wings. On my back. That fold back prettily when I’m not flying (like I’ll ever not be flying!)

I want to fly, not lie around wishing I wasn’t too lazy to put on some clothes, go into the kitchen and put on the kettle and find the hot water bottle so I could relieve my stupid discriminatory cramps.

I’m going to watch a shitty romantic comedy now and hate all the characters and their stupid faces, but still really really want the two only viable romantic interests to get together even though at the beginning they kind of hate each other.

But I know they eventually get it on because it’s all a big misunderstanding and she just needs to chill out and live in the moment and he just needs to stop partying so much.



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