Porn again

Porn and I, we have a dysfunctional relationship.

I vary between obessively scouring the oily, sticky, ewwy, corners of the internet for approximations of what I find sexy, and hating the very existence of fantasy on film.

There is no sliding scale for me, no casual viewing and no one-offs. Today I watched a lot of very bad porn, and now I feel revolted with myself and wish I had spent the day throwing out everything in the fridge or packing for my holidays which are in 3 days. So much to do, so little time and desire to do any of it.

I’ll despise porn and my whole attitude towards sex for a few days, probably, and then it’ll hit me again, the masturbation fever.

But I’m going away in 3 days and I’m also going to a festival next weekend as part of my nearly a month of holidays (I’m so freaking happy right now, or I will be when I get some of the shit done that needs doing before I leave) and the dicking forecast looks very good indeed. My friend tells me I’m full of shit, and no one ever really has sex at a festival, it never happens because you get too fucked up and smelly. But I think she’s just saying that because we’re sharing a tent, and I started guffawing down the phone with warnings of “if the tent’s a rockin, don’t come knockin”. So I’ve actually been forbidden from taking a victim back to the tent, so I’ll either have to ask preliminary questions like “so, do you have your own tent?” which, last time I asked that question, led me to a really really rotten walk of shame….

But I’m optimistic (yeah, I am, shut up)

And determined.

And I’m getting my vadge tortured with wax on tuesday afternoon, I’m going to a different place than last time but by the look of the wench who took my appointment in as surly a manner as possible, I’m in for a similarly demoralising experience. At least I’m forewarned about what passes for beautician etiquette in Italy- this time, if they pull any of that judgemental shit on me, I’ll just be like, hey I don’t judge you for getting paid to yank my ass-hairs out, so don’t fucking judge me for having ass hairs to yank out, at least I work in a nice shop where the worst I have to complain about is fully clothed people whining from a metre’s distance.

No, that’s a total lie, I won’t be able to say anything or stand up for myself, because knickers off, lying on a table… I’m putty in their sadistic, bitchy, baby-powdered wax-wielding dominatrix hands.

Oh speaking of domination, amongst the porn and general internat wanderings of my day, I came across a term that intrigues me.

Lifestyle slave.

Apparently, there are guys out there who will come over to your house when you want and do horrible chores while you insult them or just act like a bitch. This is a fetish some men actually have.

I can’t imagine anything more perfect- I hate cleaning, and I love being a dick to people.

Anyway, I’d be a bit freaked out doing anything proper fucked up, or peeing on some guy or having him lick my shoes but… if I had a dude I could call and be like, yo Antonio, my floor is looking manky, get your bitch ass over here and hoover it and mop it and if you’re really good I might let you clean my bathroom too.

And he would enjoy this, for some reason.

I honestly would consider it as an alternative to me cleaning my own apartment, or paying someone to do it for me. I don’t know but I think the benefits would probably outweigh the weirdness… but then, it would probably be some bald middle aged guy… would that matter if he was just cleaning my house? Is this a conundrum I need to work out in my head, or is it a decision I will never have to make in my life because where will I ever come across a man who wants to clean my apartment for no money or anything in return and all I have to do is tell him he’s a worthless piece of crap.

Where would I find a lifestyle slave anyway? I bet all the good ones are taken already. It’s too good to be true, really. And what the fuck would it be called in italian? I don’t want to go sniffing around and wind up in court for attempted human trafficing or soliciting sex….

Imagine though it would be awesome. Like a friend who gets a kick out of paying for your drinks, or a boyfriend who just likes his dick licked three or four times and then wants to move on to sex. Or a one night stand who prefers hairy chicks.

Too good to be true, probably.

But still, the seeds have been planted… I’d be an awesome dom, although submissive men gross me out sexually. I guess it would be ok if he was all arrogant and confident and I was a bitch to him and wore him down, that would do it for me… but not if he was a pussy STRAIGHT AWAY. That’s one of my biggest qualms about porn. I don’t really see the point in watching people fuck unless I can see why they shouldn’t be fucking or why there was doubt about whether they would or not. I want an innocent, doubtful looking person and one convincing them to do something dirty…

The whole schoolgirl thing is usually so badly excecuted. I’m not the target audience because I’m a woman, but I would imagine a man who wants to watch schoolgirl and teacher porn wants to see some innocent girl surprised and convinced to do the bold thing, not a seasoned coquette with the obligatory pigtails jumping to cram old guy cock in her mouth. But I’m not a man, and everyone’s different so… who knows. Maybe that’s exactly what the male fappers want.

Porn, man…

It doesn’t get me, but it’s there, all the time… sooner or later, I’ll skulk right on back to the gutter of the human imagination.

Oh look at the time…

Porn time…

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2 responses to “Porn again

  1. You do know most dominatrix don’t have sex with their slaves right? So you could just seriously treat them like shit and they’ll get their jollies just by you beating the crap out of them. Think of all that delicious extra income MFO! Drunken Amazon sprees for everyone!!!

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