I was going to use a fantastically clever pun for my title but decided against it.

Dear Amazon,

I am very pissed off with you.

I bought a kindle about 2 months ago, and it cost like 180 dollars or something.

I liked my kindle. I was happy with my kindle. Sure, the internet on it was pretty shitty. Sure, it was black and white. But I LIKED IT. I was happy. I had the best ebook reader that money could buy. I don’t have a smartphone, but I had a smart fucking book reading device.

AND NOW WHAT DID YOU HAVE TO GO AND DO? HUH?

You brought out a touch screen, full colour, movie-playing, super awesome, internet fucking capable kindle and guess what? It costs 199 dollers.

YEAH I GOT JIPPED. In the eye.

I feel like I have just received a full load of jizz right in my eye, and it’s Amazon’s jizz, and it’s painful and it’s humiliating.

I don’t deserve this shit.

I was sucking Amazon’s dick, I was their customer… and I’m repaid with a load of salty insult?

End of analogy.

But why did Amazon have to go and fucking EMAIL me about it? Why? Could they not let me be happy with my kindle for a little while longer?

 

Anyway. That’s that dealt with. Crushing blow. Technology, why you gotta play me like that? You know I’m your girl. You know I never gonna treat you bad. Ok, so I dragged my first couple of laptops around by the cables, and my current laptop has food all over the keyboard, and I took it apart lazily one day and now I have three screws left over which is a mystery to me. But why, technology… I thought we were in this together?

I better stop being upset about this or I will never manage to cope with real life problems. It’s just a little  mini-gripe. I like mini gripes, because ultimately I’m not going to fall into abject depression because of exploring them. It’s a safer way to rage.

Ok what else to talk about?

Ah, I swept the floor today! YEP!

Ok not that impressive, but actually it is. My floor was so fucking dirty, I swept up like a full pedal-bin bag of dust and crud. I found five empty water bottles under my bed. I found 4 euros in coins… small coins. I found hair elastics I didn’t know I had. I found a pair of shoes I thought I left in London. I found some mystery cupcake-experiments in the oven. I couldn’t see or remember what they had once contained, under the white downy fuzz.

That particular smell threw me… but I got back on the horse, the cleaning horse, and gallopped around emptying ashtrays and changing sheets.

OH speaking of ashtrays, guess what?

I’m kinda trying to maybe give up smoking!

YES!

Ok don’t give me much credit yet.

I did decide to quit smoking because over the last 3 days, every cigarette has been tortuously unenjoyable. I have still tried to smoke, despite my sick-breath mingling with the smooth virginia tobacco mix…mmmm….resulting in what tastes like an ancient pervert in a bar ramming his woolen coat sleeve into my mouth.

I still kept trucking, trying to force the smokes… coughing and wheezing and feeling like a disgusting pathetic creature.

I usually smoke when I’m sick, I’m like the fucking cigarette-bride.

In sickness and in health, til death do us part… oh yeaaaahh.

But then I also ran out of tobacco.

And then I was in a tobacconist and I sort of whimsically decided not to smoke, or to see how long til I crack, really. And today I haven’t smoked at all, at all! I am not lying. I normally lie about these things, I always lie when I pretend to have properly given up smoking… but I honestly haven’t had a single one. And I found a cigarette in my sweeping today and I threw it in the bin. And I could half see myself desperately digging through the bins later on to find that single smoke, so I took the bins out!

I am so good.

Anyway yes, I’m better, more or less, and I’m not smoking, and I cleaned the topcoat of dust in the house, and I feel GOOD.

And tomorrow I am going out but only for a low key night with Andrea, and she invited me out so she obviously doesn’t think I’m a MASSIVE FREAK for whatever nonsense I was babbling about the other night.

Life is good.

Well, today I feel that way. More or less. It’s a fucking rollercoaster, I can’t even commit to optimism or pessimism in one blog post. Anyway, I’ll bow out now. While I’m still flying on the natural high of having cleaned my apartment more or less.

Also I had this really cool jacket (I thought it was super cool) that was blue soft leather and I got it in Amsterdam second hand. It’s the kind of leather you would refer to as “buttery”, and it had massive shoulder pads and it was electric blue. It was humungously unflattering to my figure, but I loved it for how awesomely cool it was, 80s style but not in that atrocious lame teeny bopper re-imagingin of the decade that gave us big shoulders, most of the music I like, and oh yeah, ME.

But it got mouldy from when we were living in the damp house. One sleeve was permanently damaged with flecks of mould. I tried cleaning it, no dice. So today I was looking at the jacket and I finally forced myself to admit it- the jacket looks like a heap of 80s crap. It’s ugly. It’s unflattering. Cool it may be, but there’s nothing cool about looking how I looked in that jacket. And then I started thinking, is it even cool? It’s just soft blue leather. It has shoulder pads. It’s not cool… I love it for some reason, but it is not cool…

So before I could start talking myself into keeping it, I hacked off the good arm and cut it up, attached it to a hardback cover of a book I didn’t like, used some glue and shit and made an awesome sexy soft cover for my kindle.

Oh I was so happy. I did this like half an hour before reading my emails, wherein I learned that my kindle is now A RELIC, a black and white tv, a Nokia 3210, a vhs player.

Man I’m so weird about technology, I get these pangs of guilt when I talk shit about my electronic goods. I feel like my poor kindle is going to get all suicidal because I don’t love it. I have an urge to run into the kitchen where my kindle is sleeping (sheesh) and proclaim “I’m sorry, I DO love you!”

So I’m not going to run in and relieve the guilt and put my kindle’s mind at ease. I am going to work on my sanity, the only way I know how…

That’s right, I’m going to watch some Seinfeld. You know I downloaded ALL the seinfeld? I’m starting to work through them from series one to the very end. I have seen most of the episodes many times but I am being thorough because ehhhh I don’t have anything ELSE going on in mah life right now, also, I love Seinfeld.

Peace out.

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5 responses to “I was going to use a fantastically clever pun for my title but decided against it.

  1. Hearing about that jacket I was picturing Howard Jones… .Howard Jones jacket with shoulder pads. I grew up in the 80’s and loved the music but don’t understand why we needed shoulder pads and big hair – Was that sexy? Girls in my hood look like extras from a Pat Benatar music video (Love is a Battlefield), or sausages in low-rider jeans, It’s embarassing.
    Don’t u just insanely love up-cycle craft projects and Seinfeld? Let me know when you get to the episode with “The Pig-Man.’ ;) cheers

    • Haha no it wasn’t really a very nice jacket, I was just dazzled by the soft blue leather…I don’t get the shoulder thing either- I have big shoulders anyway so I just look like a moose in that jacket. Three boyfriends had to put up with that jacket and hated it venomously, but 80s me aint taking any shit from some dude about how I dress. That’s what I love about the 80s. It’s a lot of really hideous clothing, and a lot of women insisting it’s sexy. And men just had to DEAL. Pig man! That’s the guy Kramer finds in the hospital… I love it. Seinfeld is like… a part of my family :) I love sitting down and making stuff, but I never finish anything. I only finished the kindle- holder thing because it took like 10 minutes. I get bored and just leave half-sewn things around the house, never to be finished. What kind of craftyness do you get up to? I wish I had the patience or motivation to spend like half an hour every night on the same project. That would be cool. Meh…

    • That SUCKS. How come people can get upgrades on phones every few months, but you commit to a laptop or other expensive device and it’s tough titties until the thing breaks or is stolen. I may begin walking around bad neighbourhoods reading ostentatiously… except, what kind of depraved junkie steals a black and white reading device? Actually no, I jest… last night I decided that I am HAPPY I don’t have a Kindle Fire because if my kindle could play movies, I’d probably never read. So, it’s a good thing. Em unfortunately that doesn’t apply to ipads. : (

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