Return of the Flies

Today I am a little on the grouchy side. I didn’t sleep my obligatory 7.5 hours, so I’m tetchy. Why I didn’t sleep enough, is another story.

Last night I finally admitted to myself, that the fly bastards are back. They have been back for about a week really, or maybe I never got rid of them in the first place.. but they have been in such small quantities it didn’t really bother me. I have been obsessively emptying bleach down the drain ever two days so there is no way they are drain flies with a clutch of gross eggs down there.

I re-opened the google investigation..

Not drain flies, meal moths or Indian meal flies or something.

Basically, little moth fuckers that lay eggs in flour and grains and any food that isn’t entirely 100% airtight, and then become these irritating little moths and chill out on the walls of my kitchen, taunting me and my gut-spattered ikea catalogue from their lofty heights.

BASTARDS! I don’t have the energy or the stomach to get back in the ring. The psychotic rage I unleashed on the moth population was a once-off. Maybe if my bastard ex doesn’t show up for court on Friday, maybe then I’ll be able to access the scary primitive bloodlust again… but I can’t face it right now. The hours spent wallopping bugs, overcoming my revulsion for dead insects… uugh. Wasn’t nice.

Anyway when I went into the kitchen last night for a fennel tea, I was waiting impatiently for the kettle to boil and it dawned on me how many of these little vermin were perched around the room, menacing me like vultures in strategic positions. I thought of “the Raven” by whatshisname, Poe, oh who am I kidding, I only ever heard of that poem from the Simpsons.

But the feeling was similar. The Raven meets The Birds, except with miniscule bugs instead of beak-endowed birds.It gives me a weird sense of victory when I watch an old movie with an impossibly gorgeous female lead, and then I remember mwahahahahhaa she’s old now, I bet she doesn’t even know how to send an email, or maybe she’s dead. And then I feel a pang of guilt, but mostly I’m just happy to be alive RIGHT NOW and also young. and then I get depressed because as insecure and paranoid as I am now, and as much as my nose makes me miserable even though it’s not that bad a nose, it’s just I kid myself that it’s only my nose that’s keeping me from being super hot…even though I have all this low self esteem crap messing up my ego, I also know when I’m older I’ll be like holy crap what a vain little fool, I looked fucking awesome. And I might even look at photos I hate now, and think damn I was fine, what a pity I have those stupid crows feet. Oh, that’s right… I have entered the wrinkle-watching portion of my adulthood… I noticed my first actual indentation on my face the other day. It’s only on one side. I may have mentioned this already, I can’t remember. Anyway it’s only on the left side of my face. It has to be from my “better-than-you” side-smirking. There’s no other explanation.

My mother, when I whined down the phone about my wrinkle, aware of how mean that is because my mum is in her 50s and obviously has more real wrinkles than me to come to terms with, told me it’s a sign of character. Yeah yeah, whatever makes you feel better about your own, but what KIND of character does it signify? A smirky smug little half smile isn’t what I want tattooed on my FACE. Anyway it’s fine, it could also be from smoking in what I thought was a seductive manner. If so, now that I am a NON SMOKER, by the time that wrinkle is properly etched in my face-crevices, the surrounding areas will have caught up so I’ll just look like an old crinkled up paper bag and no one will ever know I used to be a self-satisfied chain smoker who never laughed at anyone’s jokes but my own. Mwahahahaha it’s a bad habit. Like all my bad habits, I WILL NOW GO FORTH AND BREAK IT FOREVER!

I rock at that.

Anyway where was I before my premature rant on my premature aging?

Ah yes, the little flies in my house. Man, you guys are the best. Even my bestest IRL buddies won’t listen to this much of my stream of thoughts. One night I drunkenly spilled my guts, admitted I have membership in the club of the literary camwhores that is blogging. I said this to one of my closest friends expecting her to try and find my blog in her internet history to laugh at and I started panicking that I had not been sufficiently paranoid in my wiping of her computer’s history… but instead she was just like, dude, I listen to you talking enough, I don’t need to read your blog. I was really happy with that, and only a tiny bit offended.

So these flies, anyway last night I looked up how to get rid, and I was expecting the reason I even have bugs in my home to be that I live in pre-industrial revolution squallor, and I haven’t mopped the floor in ages. Among many other things.

Actually it’s not my fault at all. Although I have probably eaten loads of eggs without realising it, and that’s my fault, figuring out the nature of the infestation so long after it started…

So what I read was that these eggs can come inside packets of flour and rice and shit, and they can get into anything, even some packets that are sealed and unopened. I bought these bastards in the supermarket and took them home and they ugh hatched and then infested the rest of the food in my cupboard. I have on occasion found them in flour and sugar and thrown the offending packs out, but last night I was so grossed out by the wider-reaching implications, I did a proper overhaul.

I emptied the whole food wardrobe onto the big table. I emptied all the packets of things that had been open and just folded closed, into the recycling bin. I emptied all paper or cardboard packets out too, even if they didn’t have moths in there. I had to get rid of all potential food sources… I hoovered the cupboards out, finding several dead moths but luckily no babies. I scrubbed the walls with a bleach-rich spray that smells like it’s gonna be the hiroshima of the moth population.

I moved some bottles aside, and found my apartment’s FIRST MASSIVE SPIDER! Ok, ok, it wasn’t massive. It was medium-large. It was big and black and thick bodied so it was gross as hell, but it wasn’t properly massive. UGH it was horrible. I saw it and froze. the moment I have been fearing for so long was upon me. I had to deal with a spider. there was no one to get rid of it for me. There was no one to come and dispose of it if I covered it with a cup or something. Also I have very few cups, and once a cup has touched a spider, I will always be reminded of it when I use the cup and I can’t use it any more. There was no way I could do the part where you pick up the cup anyway. If I can’t see the sider, it could leap out at me if the tiniest crack appears between postcard and receptacle. And I could accidentally crush it and eww what if a leg detaches? And if it’s a see through glass, the act of sliding the postcard under becomes all too close and personal. Oh no. I didn’t know what to do.

So I circled the cupboard with its stressed out spider, freaking in his comfy lair. He must have thought he had the best setup. Dark corners, I never move those bottles around because I don’t drink alone any more. There’s a bottle of amaretto and one of Count Rachmaninoff German vodka, remnants from the early post-breakup days where I still had the boisterous naive streak telling me it was all gonna be sex and the city and a Bloody Mary on my own would lead to knocks on the door from steamy shirtless men who would do me over the table and then bleed my radiators.

I wish The New Adventure of Old Christine hadn’t been cancelled. THEY ALWAYS DO THAT TO MY COMEDIES! I loved that show. I watched it pre-breakup but it has added clout now. I love Julia Louis Dreyfus anyway, she could read a shopping list and I would probably wheeze laughter out the wrinkled side of my mouth… like a serial killer.

But that show was fu-hu-nny. It was refreshing as hell to find a show about a woman who has trouble finding normal men to sleep with oh I mean, without her being morbidly obese. As well as other stuff. I loved that show. They had to go and cancel it, and how many seasons did Everyone Loves Raymond last? If X is the number of seasons Raymond made, and too many seasons would have been 1, then do the math. Assholes.

Anyway where was I?

Ah yes. I eventually got the hoover out and circled that bastard spider, terrified the hoover would lose suction halfway through the job and spit out a rabid spider bent on revenge. I also felt like I could already visualise the spider’s body being sucked up past my arm that was holding the hoover. I shuddered a few times and let out a weird little strangled yelping noise.

I went for it- I sucked up his little dead spider babies. I don’t know were they his babies or prey? But it was a spider graveyard. I got four or five ugly little spiders all pursed together at the legs YUCK and then I went for the big live one. I expected a dramatic “Flurp” sound when the hoover got him, but nothing. I freaked a little bit but kept the hoover on full power for a few minutes in case it survived and tried to get out the way it came in. I shuddered a lot more, got all goose-pimply.

Anyway long story… pretty long, sorry… I got the spider, I did it by myself, I cleaned that cupboard with so much bleach, future bean cans will be born with albino labels.

I filled three bags of organic rubbish, all unopened packs of pasta and shit. But that wasn’t overzealous of me, because two unopened plastic packs of sushi rice bought at great expense, had little dead moths inside. I hadn’t opened those bags. Those bags came with moths inside, or else miniscule holes that moths can get through. I threw that shit out.

I have no food now.

I have no flour, no rice, no pasta, no dessicated coconut, no dried beans, no breadcrumbs! I had a screwtop jar of breadcrumbs I thought was airtight, but inside there was a LIVE moth that flew out when I opened to check, so it all goes in the bin. Damn it.

I can’t even buy any new flour now. How do I know the supermarket isn’t selling me this shit with fly eggs inside? EWW.

What can I do?

It’s upsetting, I’m a hoarder, I love to have sushi rice so I can make sushi on a whim. I have all these supposedly airtight containers and they’re not airtight after all.

Anyway I have to bring down the bins today, all 10 or so of them. I also have lots of paper and cans to recycle again, damn they build up quickly. I want to clean my apartment so spotlessly that no bug can survive, but it’s hard because I have a lot of crap, limited motivation and the crushing realisation that no matter how amazingly I clean up, it’s just gonna get dirty again.

I honestly would get a maid but I know my dad always had someone to come over and clean, and I had to tidy up before she came over so that pissed me off, like the rinsing your dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. If I’m paying you to clean, it’s so I don’t have to clean. I could afford it actually, I earn really well for Italy and cleaning ladies DO NOT. I’m just crippled by the mortgage and bills on my own and the fact that up until now I have been really really bad with money.


Today, I get paid, and I put plan pay back my debts into action.

I won’t get a maid, that’s just foolish thinking. A maid! Ffffff.

What I need is to just clean my apartment and get some proper airtight containers.

Tonight, I take out the bins.

Tomorrow, some other drama will present itself.

And then Friday.

Ok. I can do it. I will banish the beasts from my apartment and life respectively.

I should really be grateful it’s not some really gross insect like cockroaches and it’s something that isn’t my fault for being dirty, but something that could happen to anyone. So yeah, keep your food in airtight containers.


4 responses to “Return of the Flies

  1. You know…when you suck a spider up with the vacuum that there is a possibility of it actually surviving and then living in your vacuum cleaner. lol. If it were me, I would probably trash the contents of the machine just in case. I have the shivers just thinking about it!! I am not as terrified of them as I was when I was a kid but I don’t have a fondness for them either.
    Bummer that you had to throw out all that food. Thank goodness for payday!!

    • Oh man that’s what I thought might happen. I did keep the suction on for a while, and also I put the vacuum outside on the balcony but if it has any kind of homing instint, it won’t be hard to get back in the unglazed shoddily finished doors (points finger of blame at HUSBAND) I’m a little better than I was as a child, but only barely and because I have no choice. Payday= begin search for spider catcher like the one you have!

  2. 1. Remind me to never eat at your house for fear of moth eggs in your flour.

    2. I was all about this blog till I read giant spider. I hurled all over my computer. You owe me a new one.

    3. If you want to watch amazing funny tv, you really have to check out Community. I’ve already excepted your future thank you for that suggestion.

    • Moths are ALL gone. Sorry about the computer damage. I’ll tell you what I’ll make it up to you, I’m mailing you a pizza as we speak. I’m not sure about shipping times but I’m wrapping it in tinfoil so it should be good… don’t worry I didn’t make it myself, the flour isn’t contaminated. I do watch community, to be honest I liked it way more in the first season, it was better when they weren’t such good friends and there was still that Jeff-Britta sexual tension going on. For me anyway. Unfortunately my brain is still running chickflick software where it needs all strong male and female characters that initially have friction, to eventually get it on and then fall in love. I do like it though… just, man, Christine was awesome. Oh you know what else they cancelled that had a brilliant female lead? Pulling. It was so good. The main character was Irish and slutty and kind of a total bitch. I loved that show, but it only got like 2 seasons. Assholes.

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