Post- birthday post

Today was not a good day. Nothing happened, I just hated Italy particularly badly today.

I hated the customers with their interminable foot complaints. Boy am I sick of hearing this shit. I snap at one deluded mouth breather with her “fallen arches” that necessitate “not wearing totally flat shoes”. Oh you find it uncomfortable to wear ballet flats all day. SO DOES EVERYONE.

She’s like “ooh no it’s because I have specific special weird feet” and I’m thinking why if you have such special delicate fucking feet are you here in the bargain basement buying crappy made in China pumps? Why don’t you go to one of those proper shoe shops where the salespeople feel your big toe through the shoe for some reason, maybe to make you feel like they know what they’re doing.

I hated the billboard ads saying “wives: serve your husband this pasta dish!” and another one warning that the instant meal was so tasty, your kids won’t leave home til they are 40! Hahahaha … die now.

I hate those assholes in the white paint who go around jumping out at people and asking for money for having done nothing. Today one jumped at me and blew a loud kiss and my arms instinctively went to smack him in the face but my head said, no you can’t smack him, so I sort of flapped my arms and jerked them back and made a strangled yelping sound and muttered to myself and walked on, and it must have looked really odd.

I hate that I think I have put some weight back on. I thought I could put aside the starvation tactics for a while, and incorporate some parmsesan back into my life.. I was wrong. It’s banana and bean salad time again. Uff. I just wanna look good, is it so much to ask? I eat fuck all, I never have fizzy drinks, I barely go out and drink at all… I should be a stick insect.

I hated that on the bus a really quite attractive guy was staring at me the whole journey… but what the fuck was I supposed to do? I’m not going to pick some guy up on the bus. I’m definitely not going anywhere with anyone who picks girls up on the bus. So I avoided his eyes and thought why the fuck do I never see hot guys when I’m out?

I feel kind of pointless. Like I could just hibernate.

It’s not a good day.

Stupid question of the day:
Customer, pointing at a rail where I have hung thick woolen jumpers.
“So is this the winter range?” points around her.
What does she want from that question?

I know I’m a terrible pedant at times, especially when bored:
But what was this girl’s motivation for asking her question?
What could I have replied to that?
“No, they are our summer woolen jumpers”
or (the answer she received)

What did she DO with that information?
Why did she need to ask this?
What decision did having this information better prepare her to make?
Why would you ask a question like that?
Aside from the obvious “why wasn’t she able to use her own powers of deduction and reasoning to glean this mosel of knowledge?”

She said “oh,” thanked me, and left.
If I had said it was our summer wool collection, what, would she have bought something? To bring on her southern hemisphere beach holiday?

Anyway I do not want to encourage the weird vein in my eyelid so I’m gonna calm down and let go of the customer hatred that is building. That’s all I need, a facial tic.

I’m partly attributing my ongoing antipathy to the fact that I walked past and LOOKED AT a disgustingly fucked up pigeon corpse this morning. It was lying on its back drammatically, feet splayed in the air like a cartoon, and it had BRAINS and GUTS and weird looking shit coming out of it. I made the mistake of looking at it full on. It was like… ever see that movie Bad Taste? It was like that, except real, but not with humans so not as bad.

I briefly considered vomiting to highlight how awful the sight was, and to take advantage of the opportunity. Rarely have I seen something so gross that it made me feel like I could have puked if I let myself… I decided against it after mentally rehearsing the phone call with my dad: “Hey sorry I’m late for work, I saw a dead bird and threw up”… nope, that conversation is not a good idea.
So I moved along and let the bile settle back below the danger line. It was super gross though.
I really hope I never come across a mangled human, I would NOT be able to handle that.

Oh in other news, and possibly another root of my grouchiness,
Yes, I am 24 now.
Birthday came and went in a flurry of non-eventitude.
I had dinner with my family, my sister gave me 10 drawings she did for me. I jokingly told her I was going to wallpaper my apartment with drawings, now she is manufacturing them furiously so I will have enough. Have to remember not to be sarcastic with small children.

I got a lot of nice birthday messages from people who took the time to click “write on MFO’s wall” when prompted by facebook, so that was sweet.
I was surprisingly excited about it, even though I wasn’t going to be celebrating with any kind of party or going out and getting drunk at all. I couldn’t help myself- I grinned all day and was friendly to people. My mum rang and matched my level of enthusiasm the way only she ever could- she probably woke up excited just because it was my birthday. I sort of expect that reaction from other people too, and it doesn’t happen. But you know what, yesterday I was thinking about it and it’s amazing how much enthusiasm other people DO muster for your birthday. Come on, people congratulate you all day, for doing what, surviving? Having been born on a specific day? A lot of people look really overjoyed when it’s my birthday. If someone tells me it’s theirs, I will probably just be like, oh yeah? Me too.. oh no, it’s not. Mine is 26th october. Interesting enough, my last birthday… and then I go off on a story about myself.

I’m just impressed by how they manage to fake this level of interest every time any aquaintance has a birthday, because I know I personally don’t give a crap, unless of course I’m thinking hell yeah, there’s going to be a party I can go to.

So anyway I bopped around the place giddy as a kid who’s actually going to unwrap shit they haven’t picked out in advance, and it was only around 10pm when I realised that, that was it, that was my WHOLE birthday and it was about to expire, that I reined in the hyperactivity a little bit.
I did a little bit of the traditional “ahhh I’m a woman and I’m ageing!” birthday build up, but ultimately it couldn’t get a foothold. I did try to freak out but it just felt ridiculous. The only thing that really upsets me at all about ageing is that it feels like I barely got to be jailbait at all. And I really loved being jailbait. I loved how bad and dirty I could make a man feel about wanting what was perfectly natural but kind of against the rules, knowing there was nothing wrong with wanting to fuck me, but also running through his mind the dangers associated and whether or not he even had a chance and was he misreading my signals or was I actually into him too?

Also, it was fine for me to be shit in bed, because the whole point in a 17 year old girl is that she’s a 17 year old girl, there’s no expectation that she has the stamina for buckaroo type shit.
I barely got to be jailbait at all, and then it was over… I was briefly barely legal which was also cool (Although I did used to yell it when I was drunk, which always embarassed me the next day). Now I’m just an adult.
I mean 23 wasn’t a whole lot different. But the last 2 years sort of flickered past me so I didn’t stop and think about what age I was and what that meant, if anything.

It sort of feels like I was 21 and thinking how cool that was, if I ever went to the U S of A I wouldn’t have to worry about getting served in bars… and then I hibernated for a while and woke up and now I’m 24 which feels like a much meatier kind of age.

But I am attributing too much to a number…
Anyway, managed to get through the day without headbutting a customer.

Went for a superfluous coffee at the bar- sexy bartender was there! YAY! So happy… then he made me my coffee and that was it, of course. I think I better stop drinking espresso, start coming up with something more time consuming… freshly squeezed orange juice? Probably expensive. No, it’s probably better I don’t increase my stalking budget at all.

I can at least switch to cafe Americano, that costs the same but has more water in it so it lasts longer, although then I look like some kind of amateur who doesn’t like the taste of coffee.

Anyway… it’s nice to have ridiculous shit like this to occupy my brain.

I have a few days off work now… My mum is coming to visit me and I didn’t realise when I was all excited about having a freaking VISITOR to my home, (woo woo it’s time to show off how I clean some of the things now!) that her visit will eat up all of Halloween and means I will miss out on the greatest event in the vain slut calendar. Damn it I miss going out for Halloween and getting messy drunk, dressed as sluttily as my figure will allow, but without anyone taking me for an actual slut… hee hee. I love Halloween.

The best slut costumes show off your body but are slightly embarassing so it throws people off the scent- it looks like you’re just having fun wearing something silly and your hot bod happens to just show through that costume anyway.

My favorite: Star Trek catsuit. Come on, it’s a catsuit. BUT it’s nerdy as hell, so people won’t think you are a vain bitch like someone who goes as catwoman, which is both sexy and cool.


Anyway my mum’s coming to stay which will be nice except for obviously the orgasm eating sounds but I am 24 now so I have to stop fixating on that sort of shit, I have to be mature now.

Anyway 3 days off work, me and my momma in the hizzay, It’s gonna be OFF THE HOOK!

I cleaned up my apartment and mopped the floors and threw out lots of rubbish and washed all the towels and I’m pretty fucking happy with myself.

Except that I don’t FEEL happy. I feel like crap. I want some compliments to my appearance or something. I crave compliments. I feel like absolute shit actually. It may be the fact that I didn’t go out last night for my birthday…

It may be also that the various men I am secretly obsessed with did not facebook me for my birthday.

Maybe it’s because I had birthday money and I spent all morning fantasizing about how I was going to put that money towards getting out of debt, and I felt so good about even having the fantasy, it was amazing, and I had a list of all the chores I was going to do around the house when I got home and then I finished work and lied to myself and said “I’m just going to get some cotton knickers in H&M because washing faded greying off colour undies is depressing me, and anything sexy I have is just made of a stupid fabric that probably gives you thrush so you can’t wear them all day”

And then I went to H&M and bought the SLUTTIEST dress I could find.

I mean it is too slutty for me.

I was embarassed paying for it, because it was a guy who served me.

I pushed it under the knickers I was buying at the checkout so it wasn’t visible to everyone around me. I hit it with underwear, that’s how slutty it is.

I am going to try it on again now and see if I should just bring it back or what because it is seriously too short and too slutty to wear out, my only female friend is Andrea and she just dresses casual and always looks sexier anyway, if I wear that dress out with her I will look like a lunatic, like I’m overcompensating for being the uglier one. Which of course, is EXACTLY what I’m doing.

Ok I’m going to try it on and see if I feel better about myself.

NOPE. Worst possible outcome: I look plump, it’s way too short, and I can’t find the receipt.


Ok I am going to wash my face and brush my teeth and watch some classic Seinfeld and tomorrow I get to see my mommy and drink lots of wine with her and we can hit the town and she will get me a present.

Good night.

Sorry I am in a bad mood.

I just thought I should write something anyway because my mum will be here tomorrow and I’m unlikely going to get any time to write anything while she’s here.

13 responses to “Post- birthday post

  1. 1. I LOVE ballet flats! I have a pair of Steve Madden black patent leather ballet flats that I love. But you are right– they are NOT comfortable to wear all day! I put insoles in them and it helps for, like, two days.

    2. Why do guys try to pick women up in the most lowlife places? When I moved here, I would get hit on EVERY time I went to the gas station to fill up my car. I guess I must look sexy when I am pumping gas? Am I REALLY supposed to be flattered that a guy hit on me at the gas station? Kid: “Mommy, how did you and Daddy meet?” Me: “Oh, Daddy leered at me at the gas station and I fell in love.” Yeaaaah… So glad you didn’t let a creep (no matter how attractive) on a bus pick up on you!!!

    3. Happy belated birthday!!!! I also went through the “I didn’t fully understand the power of being jailbait” thing as I aged. Oh, to be 17 again and understand what you have… *sigh*

    4. SOOOO copying this: Halloween, “the greatest event in the vain slut calendar.” :) LOL. Star Trek catwoman sounds super-cute, you will have to post pics. My bff is lending me her Sexy Robin Hood outfit.

    Keep writing– you’re the most amusing blog I’ve seen in years :D

    • Hey thanks!! Aww I’m jealous you get to dress up sexy, I love halloween but it would be a bit weird to get my slut suit on while my mum stays with me for the weekend! It looks like I’ll have to sit this Halloween out….
      Ugh I have had all sorts of weirdos try to chat me up on the bus or train when I’m all sleepy and grouchy going to work, it’s like seriously why would they think that works? I wonder are there women who fall for the sleazy public transport come-on?

  2. So I guess wishing you HB is redundant huh? Well, consider it done in a very sincere, yet low-key and late kinda way.
    I hear u on the bananas and beans… written of the infamous ‘bean diet’ many a time, and I’m back on it. Don’t know about you, but the bananas are just a low calorie sub for the many cakes for which I wish was stuffing my face. But damn, eating all these veggies and beans,drinking loads of water, less coffee? I look like I’ve been dragged 10k by a city bus. wtf?

    • Thanks Cakes! Agh, The punishment does not fit the crime, I have friends who will just casually decide to have a chocolate croissant or a can of coke and I’m like WHAT?? I ration how many olives I allow myself, I eat low fat natural yoghurt as a treat! I drink 5 cups of herbal tea a day without sugar or honey and I drink my coffee with a third of the sachet of sugar. I see skinny women eating ice creams…. are they bulimic? It’s not faaaaaairrrr!

  3. Happy belated birthday lovely! I hope that you have fun with your mom and that she gets you something nice :)
    Im sick today and taking the day off work tomorrow. Feeling pretty sorry for myself wahhhhh! Lol
    Oh well. Maybe I’ll get time to write

    • Thanks! I’m looking forward to it all right, my mum rocks! Aww sick day… I hope someone is there to make you soup! Feel better, watch loads of tv… write some… enjoy how LONG the day is when you have nothing at all to do :)

  4. OOooooohhhh look at all this hate igniting my computer screen! Where’s my marshmallows? I can toast them on my laptop screen! The rage of MFO. You should be a Red Lantern (too nerdy of a reference?).

    I will not say Happy Birthday to you.


    I just did.

    • No reference is too nerdy for me! (umm.. google…) I unfortunately have all the rage and none of the regurgitating burning rage blood powers… actually no gross I don’t want that. Really I’d just like the power to shoot beams of pure sarcasm from my eyes. I would like my eyes to start glowing first as a warning that I am angry and will not tolerate much more stupidity and then if they persist TSSS TSSS I burn them good. Kinda like Cyclops, except awesome.

  5. My hubby and I were talking about you tonight on how much you make us laugh with your blog. We aren’t laughing at you of course, we laugh because you are such a good writer you make everything sarcastically amazing. That’s what we love. Your awesome sense of hilarity in everyday stuff.
    My hubby caught me laughing at your blog and I heard him bellow from the kitchen, “What, is she deep throating a banana again?”
    Seee???? You are awesome.
    Hugs and warm fuzzies to you.

    • Thank you so much you lovely people, you just made my muesli taste so much sweeter! I love that you guys are here to laugh at/with me and I don’t even care which :) Just as long as I am not on my own gagging on fruit… you are like my Garfield, otherwise I would just be this:
      Thank you. Hugs and major appreciation.
      Word. XXX (thats a triple x for you right there, I don’t hand those out lightly)

      • Haha! That is a cute non-garfield comic. I guess one just can’t do without the other hey? You give me reason to write as well.

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