Happy Colon day!

Hello there!

So when my mum was over recently she took the opportunity to guilt trip me about being a terrible card and present giver.

In my defence I am generous and thoughtful when I give gifts, and often spontaneous. This is when I have money. Lately, not so much.

But I am also forgetful, lazy, and have a tendency to feel extremely guilty about cards I haven’t bought or written or sent so I hide the task away in the dark recesses of my mind and pretend it doesn’t exist until months have passed and it occasionaly makes it past security and stabs me in the conscience. So I have sort of tried to cultivate what most men seem to be allowed cultivate: a persona of “Hey I don’t DO cards”.

I don’t see why my dad, my stepdad and most of my boyfriends, have taken this stance on cards and gotten away with it with just a touch of eye rolling and tutting from the womenfolk, and then when I decide I want an equal opportunities Xmas, it’s guilt-trip city.

I tried to explain to my mother than I do care, that’s why I freaking CALL on her birthday and all, and if we are in the same country she is getting a whopper, super considerate gift, I spare no expense or personal inconvenience, for real. But sending a card before a certain date, in this day and age with email and whatnot just seems like a load of unecessary stress and also, as a frequent recipient of cards, I don’t appreciate them one bit. I hate the pang of “I’m a shitty person” I get when I rip the side of the envelope and shake to see if money falls out before reading the card or looking at it. Then I will peruse the card which is supposedly the thought that counts and all but really, it would be a lot more thoughtful to just send cash.

It’s quite a sad moment when you pretend to be touched by what they wrote while inwardly thinking “If you love me as much as you claim to, where’s the fucking cheque?”

So I try to explain this to my mother without implying I don’t love her cards she sends me, but she insists I can’t rationalise my way out of this one, and she is right but I’m feeling like if I cave now, it will always be a thing where every year I am stressed by the need to send cards and people will be disappointed by the lack of a card and I have to take a stand now.

So I declare my new intention: a compromise, if you will.

A way to show I care enough to buy stamps (however the fuck you go about the business of acquiring a stamp, I do not know) and write some interesting variation of “happy birthday, love from me” which after 20 something years is getting a bit stale let me tell you.

But my way will not have me freaking out and feeling guilty.

Here is my idea: I will randomly buy or make a card, and when I feel like I really do have the time and desire to go to a post office and do all the stamps and things, I will check to see what holidays are coming up and I will wish my mother a happy St. John’s day, or a Merry Independence of Bulgaria day.

And she can’t say it’s late because I will choose the holiday based on what’s coming up soon.

I love this idea.

I seized it and ran with it.

I told my mum.

“No no no that’s awful” she said.

I raised my voice so I was talking over her.

“Just think, you might wake up one morning and receive a lovely surprise, happy hannukah from your daughter! Happy Vernal equinox! And it will be all the more lovely because I just thought to do it of my own accord, it’s not some tiresome chore…”

Anyway she insisted it was an awful lazy idea and she didn’t like it but I don’t care, I am wishing her a surprise holiday as soon as I get around to getting envelopes and stamps and stuff. I know where to find envelopes at least, they have them in Lidl this week.

So I was checking out the holidays on today, and guess what guys?

You guessed it, I almost let the day go by without wishing you a HAPPY COLON DAY!

It’s national Colon day in Panama.

So there you go.

Anyway. I have unfortunately missed the opportunity to send my mum a hilarious colon-themed greeting card. But there’s always next year.

So I hope you find some amazing way to celebrate colon day.

I know I will!

Advertisements

3 responses to “Happy Colon day!

  1. I’m with ya sister. I don’t do cards either (not even e-cards), never have. I just don’t get that whole sappy card giving Hallmark moment scenario. It’s a piece of paper, mass printed with text some greeting-card employee got paid to write. Then you gotta fake like you are all touched.
    Plus when my friend died here last January I found out his sister wouldn’t come to the funeral from the UK because he never sent her cards. wtf? why does a freakin’ card have to define your love?
    How about we get t-shirts printed instead, in honour of today and send them to the poor in Panama? It could read “Hooked on Colonics” (not sure if you get the reference there, sorry it’s Americacn). Now there’s a thoughtful gift.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s