I cleaned my bathroom for you, the least you can do is sleep with me

Fabio, my first Italian stallion, is back in town.

He wrote me this morning some casual friendly shit which kind of annoys me because I have been waiting for a booty call since last week.

So I had to tone down the desire to jump his bones through a facebook window and I replied tee hee hee something about coffee blah blah blah,

then he replied something ELSE about coffee and seriously I’m here 8 messages in, still writing about things that you could mention to your grandmother, the one who has decent hearing.

So when I push the convo in the direction of WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR THE REST OF THE DAY, and he replies “oh I might go see an exhibition, but I will let you know what I’m doing and maybe we can meet for a coffee,” I think what the fuck is wrong with you?

A coffee? That sounds dangerously like a date, or a neutral, pointless, outside the house meetup.


No, no, no.

This is all wrong.

A little less conversation, a little more action, is what I’m looking for.

So I’m like,

right, sure, or, if you feel like it, you can come over to mine.


Everything else in our conversation had a 2 or 3 minute interval… This last message of mine where I alluded gently to the cerise pachiderm  between us, has hung in the air like an Atkins fart for over 30 minutes.

Dude, I don’t see what I fucking said that is incongruous with my previous, eh… having basically used the “your place or mine” line on him last week and then fucked him repeatedly and then flown into a semi-rage when the condoms ran out and tried to leave.

I am a little embarassed now that he thinks I came on too strong, but mostly I am not embarassed but surprised that somehow I gave the impression that I was NOT going to come on this strong.

Seriously, the message I sent was about as coy as I can be, the other candidate I rejected went something like “sure but what about instead, we don’t have coffee, and I suck your dick and then we see how many of these condoms on my bedside table are still not expired?”

So I don’t know why he’s being so menstrual, I was pretty tactful.

Maybe it’s because of the dead granny… perhaps he is still mourning?

But then, why contact me as soon as he gets back in town?

Why would he want to contact me, talk to me about nothing, in a language I am shit at speaking, let alone writing, and then meet me for more conversation in said language in a public place where we can’t even get naked enough to line up the important bits?

Does he… like, like me? Or is he a delicate flower that needs to be wooed? I don’t see how he is if he fell for my sleazy lines the other time.

So… some time has passed, I decided to stop freakin out and rescue my sunday.

He didn’t reply. I started drunking red wine on my own and making banana bread.

I have become obsessed with dbanana bread lately. I hope I dont get fat now. But fuck it it’s bananas that’s a vegetable, I can eat as much as I like also there is not much sugar in it.

Anwyay so I am here drinking by myself and having a FANTASTIC HAPPY TIME

when Mr. Fabio the abstinent… thing that rhymes with abstinent?

contacts me with a message, like “yeah I’m just heading to the lame ass exhibition now I’ll let you know when I get back”

SO I DO get a booty call,

but now I am drunk?

Also, drinking wine alone on my suday afternoon made me get all female empowered-y and I put on a corset and suspenders and stockings and then a coat over that and did all my recycling and took out the four binbags on the balcony that were probably a day away from attracting the kind of rodents that can climb up balconyes.

And then now I think he will be coming over now later and I am dressed up in a manner that will probably frighten him although I think I look pretty good except my thighs are still not great when constricted from both top and bottom, they bulge out a bit. Still not there yet…. Anyway I don’t want to frighten this little baby bird… so I will put on my MATCHING underwear that makes my boobs look decent aalthough what is the point as he already knows they are not good boobs, and he will probably insist on taking my bra off again anywya.

Damn I look so much btter in a bra, why can’t I keep it on for sex?

Anyway I kind of claned the house up before I started drinking wine, or was it during, so that is good I have a clean house and FUCK HIM ANYWAY I am giving him sex why the fuck should I fake cleanliness? But it is clean anywya but he will probably still think it is not clean because it’s not THAT clean.

Also I have banana bread he can have some of that so that way I don’t have to feel bad about not cooking.

Anyway, I am gong to try and find something non threatening but flattering to wear and I am going to sort trough the condoms as some of them are expired and also there are far too many assorted condoms, it is probably quite intimidating.

Anyway I am going to check on my bread, put on makeup, put on some clothes, and do what I just said.




5 responses to “I cleaned my bathroom for you, the least you can do is sleep with me

  1. His mamma must have raised him right. the southern boys I know would just forsake the coffee and conversation and just bend you over the tv. But they like we say in these parts… “piano, piano” Don’t worry… southerners my be slow, but (when it comes to readily available sex) they aren’t stupid.

  2. Ya I agree with Cakes on that. Ten bucks says he just wants to bang you but really he is doing the “right” thing and being the gentleman or proper dude he thinks you want him to be. You should get a tshirt that’s says “I don’t do coffee so DO me” and have wear it the next time he comes over lmao

    • He’s being a stupid kind of gentleman that’s what. I would wear the pants off that shirt but I reckon how slutty I dress already says “do me” as loud as I can go, and still these jerk offs are choosing not to come over to the love shack. What’s the opposite of a high five becaus that’s what I’m handing out today.

  3. Poor chap. You’re going to utterly destroy him aren’t you? “I’ll swallow your soul!” and all that goodness. Sorry Fab, it was nice knowing you when we did. You’ll be seeing granny soon enough.

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