Makin’ friends, but still no bacon

I have been living in France for nearly three weeks now, and I love it.

The first weekend I went out with my school buddies a few times and had fun, but didn’t manage to do anything French or meet any French people. We’re a massive ever-changing swarm of foreigners, the women dressing up to get into clubs and the men arriving each evening with schoolbags on their backs and white runners, so basically we couldn’t get in anywhere. Clubs here are small, too small to accomodate the swarm, so we wound up night after night knacker drinking in parks and by the river.  And our party dresses shone unnoticed under winter coats.It’s nice to have friendly people to hang out with but it sure wasn’t giving me my French fix or an in with the locals. One night it was very cold and most people drifted away off to their beds and it was just a few girls left…. we found our way into a gay bar and danced and were wallet-raped at the bar BUT we met some Frenchies. I met a girl in the queue for the toilets (NOT A LESBIAN BTW) who wanted to do a language exchange, and we met up a few times since and have only spoken French so that’s my first French buddy, hooray!

Last night we went for dinner and I was privvy to some girl talk in French which partly went waaay over my head, but not as much as I expected. My French is bad but getting better, and I felt like I had a foot in the door, three weeks into my life here, out in a restaurant with two real French women, talking outside my classroom vocab.

Tonight I’m meeting them again and I’m excited, I still haven’t got my legs waxed (I think I will need to take a weed whacker to them before I present the faun-legs to a beautician) but as my dear friend reminded me, you can always meet a guy and NOT sleep with him the first night.

OF course! It’s genius. My hairy chastity belt, it might even make me look classy as long as it remains unseen.

I run my mind over those phrases I presume so many women use:

“Not tonight, I eh… don’t want to?”

“I don’t think so, I’m not that kind of girl”

Although I will of course be giving the wrong impression of who I am if I try out these lines, it could give the right kind of impression?


I’m still kinda sniffly so I’m probably not the most alluring specimen right now. But I live in hope.

OH and speaking of like, things relating to ME,

Guess who else decided to get in touch?

My husband ex. I decided to call him that because he’s not my ex husband yet, but he is my ex. So he writes to me the other night saying hi, and naive me, I thought he wanted to make peace or like, be nice or something, after we haven’t spoken in around a year.


He started ranting about some taxes the government wants him to pay because he still part owns the apartment with me. So he’s all like, you took the house and everything, it’s not fair I have to pay, blah blah blah. So I was like, fuck, yeah he left me with a load of debt from the time he lived in that house, and I shouldn’t have had to pay that, and anyway he got away scot free and was able to restart his life while I stayed behind and faced the music, and somehow he feels hard done by and like I jewed him out of everything… But still, in the long run I will probably do better out of keeping the apartment and his perspective is totally skewed anyway because he doesn’t remember that all the money he put int the apartment was like basically rent and all the money we put up front for it, the taxes, the notary fees… came from my father, my grandparents and my savings. So yeah, he sees things a bit diffrently. But I still felt like he shouldn’t have to pay new taxes now.

I don’t know what’s right really, but I felt like it must be real shitty for him to get a bill a year later when he isn’t keeping the house.

So I asked questions, he started claiming to have paid the bills he left me with… I wanted to be friendly so I didn’t get into any arguments, just said I’d talk to my dad and we’d sort it out.

Then he’s like “yeah I’m just really worried cause I’m not working, but the taxes are only around 60 euro so it should be ok anyway”


All this shit storm over 60 quid? After the amount I had to pay before I could leave Italy? JESUS.

So that kind of messed with my good mood, after Antoine and his supposedly accidental communication the other day.

Damn facebook. It should be harder to reach people for no good reason.

Anyway, it’s the motherfucking weekend, I’m in France, and I am wearing a really nice dress. And I’m improving my French and then I will speak FOUR languages. FOUR. I’m so impressed with myself really.

Today in class the teacher was trying to explain this word, for a kind of emotion or feeling. And most people got it, and I was like… I don’t understand. So he gave me an example.

“What if, say, I told the class…. Abby is really good at French. You need to try be more like Abby…”

And I’m like, ok… so.. pride?

And he’s like.. no. And everyone laughed.

He’s like, “So I tell you your essay was really good and everyone else’s was bad, in front of all the class. What do you feel?”

And I was like, “Joy? Price? Accomplishment? Confidence? Smugness?”

And he’s just looking at me like… no… it embarasses you!

And I’m like, what? No, why would I be embarassed?

He’s looking at me oddly, like he just doesn’t understand. I’m looking back at him similarly.

“You don’t LIKE this feeling. You feel embarassed of the attention!”

I’m like, yeah I don’t think so. I wouldn’t be embarassed.

Eventually a girl whispered to me in English “it’s modesty, I think, or humility”




French class thinks I’m a monster.

But if my French really was better than theirs, I would do a victory dance on the tables and I’d stomp their shitty french essays underfoot with joy and exhaltation. ABBY UBER ALLES!


Ok I’m going out now.

It’s been nice talking to you.

Peace, love, and egotism to you all


2 responses to “Makin’ friends, but still no bacon

  1. Four languages is very impressive. I have trouble with just the one.
    As your proficiency with the language develops could you do us a favour and please teach us a few choice and highly inappropriate French phrases we could flash about? :)

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