How not to hit on Abby N Flicker, starring two former cast members!

Pop quiz you guys!


1. List my five biggest turn ons.


Bzzzzzzzzz
Ok, Abby?
“That would be compliments, barmen, French accents, and… compliments?”


Ok, that’s only four, does anyone know the last one?
Bzzzzzz
Abby again?


“Is it… compliments?”


FUCK YEAH THATS EXACTLY RIGHT! (cue streamers and champagne falling from the ceiling, dangerously)
You win the grand prize which iiiiiiis… some awesome sex with Abby. Oh. With yourself. Huh, sounds about right.


Well…
That was fun.
My point is, compliments. Compliments compliments compliments.
It’s so fucking EASY.
I’m so fucking easy.
But there’s a right way and a wrong way to do this.
The right was is so fucking easy, I’m going to insert a compliment generator below if I can figure out how….


Nope.
I spent an hour looking for how to make a sentence generator for my blog but all I was able to do is make a sentence generator on someone else’s site so it can’t slot in here sexily like I wanted. It’s called “the compliment-erator” and it’s here, if you are interested http://sentence.bigparadox.com/default.asp but frankly I am disappointed.
Also I have lost all interest in telling my story.
Oh ok…
So


Actually wait now I really need to go to the toilet


Oh I don’t feel so good now.
I ate a lot of chocolate today and yesterday
It was odd for a Sunday because I’m normally hung over and then I can only eat pizza, but today I woke up not hung over so I was able to eat pizza and chocolate and lots of it.
Now I am not feeling so good.
OH! But anyway.


So I’m on facebook, and… oh man do you remember like a year ago, maybe more… the CAKE incident? Not really an incident, but just that I made cake for a party in Italy. I think it’s either the post in the sidebar, with the picture of cake, or it’s one chronologically after that post. Anyway. I’m too ill right now to link to the right post, also I have gotten distracted enough and it’s not even that good of a story to be interrupting and dilligently coming back to and it’s actually getting late and I have school tomorrow and ohhh I don’t feel so good at all.


Anyway so that time with the cake, the party I went to… it was in this guy’s house. And I brought the cake, and the guy flirted with me a bit and then I left the cake plate in his house and then we went to the city centre and I was into hottish guy with girlfriend, who in retrospect is more like, ugly guy with fianceè. But anyway the guy whose house it was, he asked me for a kiss for money or something like that, and it was a joke, and he was a bit too flirty then and I wasn’t into him.
Then like a week later he’s on facebook all like “hey you left your plate in my house.”


Now it was a big plate and I could have happily gone and pick it up, it’s not like I was afraid of being raped or something. He was pretty nice, I would have liked my plate back. BUT he lived awkward busses from my house. Like to get there, I had to take two busses and walk a bit, and I didn’t relish doing that again with a massive plate. It was bad enough when I had the exciting prospect of arriving at a party looking really good (before I got the chocolate icing all over my dress) and impressing everyone with my totally unneccessary cake baking gesture, and I didn’t know there would be no hot guys there either.
So I just said something like yeah I’ll get it some other time, and forgot all about the guy.
OVER A YEAR has passed and that was the only time I ever saw or spoke to that guy, and now I’m in France and he suddenly pops up on Facebook and he’s all…. actually here’s the convo. My responses to his bewildering come-on are in italics. So it’s not a hugely exciting conversation but I’m sharing it because LOOK HOW ODD HIS ATTEMPT TO COMPLIMENT ME IS. Also, his sense of humour. He gets points for attempting to make jokes but they are so below my high expectations. Anyway. Here’s the conversation:

Note wherever I say “ha” in reply to something, it means I didn’t find it at all funny but don’t want to be a dickhead.

Note to friends of mine reading this: sorry. Sorry yeah I probably do that with you too. Or no, I’m really laughing when it’s you. Seriously.

………………….

was that plate stolen?,the one you left at my place,you didnt seem to give hek about it at all

hey! sorry i just totally forgot about that plate. I had a lot of plates…

i bet you own a restaurant or something like that,..i should give it to someone this christmas as a christmas present,.

ha! no, i don’t own a restaurant… I was just lazy and then I forgot 

 you can give it to someone for christmas if you like!

owkay!!..i hope they dont break it on my head when they find out that i got it from an irish plate collector…

hugest plate i ever saw..and you ate on that..your stomach is really sophiscated..
 no i just put cakes and pizzas on it

that’s what you say..,it’s ok to have a sophiscated stomach,.as long as it doesn’t show on the outside,i bet you do a lot of gym

ha! no i dont do any gym, i’m too lazy! 

did you may be do any of those fancy surgical operations?something like lipo..

 i never said i ate the whole cake

you didn’t have have to
 so what are you upto these days Abby

well, I’m living in France, studying French… that’s it for now. you?

well,i graduated in october,now am working…so is that like erasmus?or semething longer
no I’m just studying French in a language school, not university.didn’t know you were so into languages,you speak chinese too?
ha! nah I just wanted to live in France so…

that’s great,i think france is a good place to live in,,i have to go to bed now,,,aurevour–:)

good night, au revoir

ye i wrote aurevour to check if you really speak french,,haha!!ciao

okaaaaay

 ciao 

Ciao! :)
So it’s weird, right?
It’s a compliment. I will admit… being told that I must have had liposuction to be able to have eaten cake, it DID give me a slight buzz of an ego buzz. I’m a sad, sad woman. I haven’t been hit on by anyone good in a while…
But damn, bro, that is a weird way to compliment a lady. Or… anyone.
You must work out = good, but stupid. But still nice to hear.
You must have had lipo = weird. weird. but still nice to hear.
Oh I’m pathetic.
So that was all I got hit on, if you can even count it as being hit on (I DO)
oh also last night another blast from the past… BUMCHUM (you remember him? I am not linking to that post, you can fucking search for it) resurfaces… also on facebook. Now I do sometimes talk to him, and it’s mostly in the interest of keeping him sweet so he doesn’t hate me and tell my husband ex who he is still friends with about our night of embarassing… whatever it was.
So I do chat to him sometimes. But last night he was really drunk.
Conversation cannot be presented properly here as it is in Spanish. But it was more or less like this.
Bumchum: Hey, whats up
Me: (normal return of greeting)
Bumchum: Nice profile photo (yeah, the black and white one. this is what you get…)
Me: thanks
BC: You look hot
BC: really hot
Me: thanks
BC: seriously
Me: Everything’s good in black and white!
BC: no cause you look good in colours too
BC: And your thanks don’t exist because they are not neccessary.
Me: huh?
BC: it’s wordplay
me: no…
BC: yeah i’m saying dont thank me, it isn’t necessary, so your thank you doesnt exist
Me: Yeah but like I still thanked you so they do exist
BC: it’s a paradox
BC: haha
Me: that’s retarded.
BC:  I’m retarded
Me: You’re drunk?
BC: YOU MAKE MEN RETARDED
BC: because you’re hot.
Me: How do I reply to a compliment if thanks don’t exist.
BC: hey are you going out tonight?
Me: you know I live in France
BC: Yeah, I’m not going out either
That’s a lot more cleaned up and less nonsensical than the actual convo, I removed a lot of emoticons and jajajaja’s and sgfgjlfkgdgdf and stuff. But there you go, those are the two guys who hit on me this weekend.
And it was on the internet.
They even had time to think of good stuff to say.
I’m not really into the whole romance thing
Oh wait, this is my fucking diary
You KNOW that’s a lie.
It’s a terrible lie. I’m a romantic fool.
Today I watched Jane Austen’s Persuasion (my least favorite Jane Austen movie adaptation and book, partly cause the main woman is not really good looking. I mean I don’t think the actress is ugly, just her hair is done so horribly in the film and she wears really hideous clothes) and the main guy was as always in Jane Austen BBC adaptations, really fucking hot. And I was trying to apply the romance of the situation to like, my own love life, but obviously in that situation: ie. I’m in love and my family tells me to break it off, what do you think I would do? Exactly. I’d have married the guy, and in that case I would have done the right thing because he got rich and made a very good match for the girl, Anne I think was her name. I couldn’t enjoy the movie too much because Anne is so not sexy and she’s so boringly nice and reserved, I was feeling resentful like I should have got the main guy and not her, and then I felt like maybe I don’t get the main guys because I’m too sexually aggressive and not reserved enough and I’m not the sort to listen to my family’s advice.
That was the main theme of this afternoon actually.
Am I just WRONG
Should I majorly change how I deal with people, if I want to get a good guy? Eventually I want to have babies and shit, with someone awesome, intelligent, funny, interesting, with a nice nose and skin tone so I can have super babies and then raise them with my own particular worldview but I’d be a really nice kind and loving mother, seriously I would.
Maybe it’s something really simple and not entirely against my personality, like say if I just stopped talking about sex in front of men or if I wore jeans like all the rest of the women do and didn’t show off my awesome legs all the time.
Maybe it’s something really minor that I can change. OR maybe it’s something really fucking intrinsic to my personality and I won’t be able to change it, like the fact that I’m way too intense in relationships and I’m obsessive and paranoid and clingy and suffocating, and annoying?
Sorry I went to that dark place again, it was an accident, I was just going to talk about the weird ways I got hit on.
Sorry.
But if you have any thoughts on how I should alter my personality to make men like me, please feel free…
But only if it’s incredibly minor and would help a lot.
Like no major overhauls. It just won’t happen, and the criticism would kill me.
And then you’d have to hear my low self esteem rant.
So any suggestions along the lines of
“wear more purple”, men are attracted to purple
or
“whistle while you work”
is welcome
And as always, you’ve got the compliment sandwich.
Or just don’t suggest anything. Whatever. I’m going to bed now, it’s
OH MY GOD REALLY FUCKING LATE!
How long have I been doinng this?
Shitty fuck fuck.
Good night.
ps. sorry about lack of paragraphs and spacing, wordpress is being gimpy
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5 responses to “How not to hit on Abby N Flicker, starring two former cast members!

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