Quarter life crisis!

I’ve been writing little bits and pieces recently, but nothing on my blog. I’ve been trying to write something more structured and less rambling but I haven’t really got anywhere with it. I guess my life has been all up in the air… Moved to France, moved to England, came back to Ireland…. Fell in love, got over it, fell in love, got over it….

This year has been the year of the quarter life crisis.

The… ok, I’ve had a lot of fun and done a lot of stupid things and met a lot of people but now what the fuck  am I going to do with my life?

I don’t want to be broke and I don’t want to trudge up the office career ramp while my bum gets flat and square from sitting in a swivel chair.

Those seem to be my options. 

So I decided to go back to college this year, after moving briefly to England and realising how fucking hard it is to find a job when all you’ve done so far is start again and again and never learn anything that comes with that bit of paper.

I decided to go and study business management. Because my dream has always been to own my own little cafe and make cakes and pies and feed people in a charming little room with twinkle lights and oh wasn’t my dream to have a bar and serve cocktails and craft beers and a vast range of whiskeys?

And then wouldn’t business be fucking boring, and not really guarantee me any way closer to my dream?

And then what about computer science, because I’m smart and I’m good with computers and if I hadn’t taken the slippery slope paved with sex and drugs and alcohol, I’d probably have gotten really good at programming…..

So that’s it, I’m going to do computer science.

I started to set it all up for next year. Did everything I needed to ensure I get my fees paid for with this government initiative that pays for everything, including a weekly living expense that could pretty much take care of me all through college.

Brilliant.

 

And I was going to do it. I started to take a little course online, an intro to computer science. Interesting.

Except then I started making excuses not to do it.

Like I’m hung over, or it’s the weekend and I want to go out and get laid, or it’s the weekday and I don’t have anything to do but I’d rather rewatch all the episodes of insert embarassing comedy series here.

So it started gnawing at me, the reality…

I don’t really really want to study computer science. I don’t. I’d like to have a smart degree, something I could impress people with, something that I could get a good job with.

But…. I don’t know. I’m interested in computers but what about all the math?

And then yesterday, I was looking up creative writing classes because now that I have all this spare time, as I have to stay at least partially unemployed to get the government grant next year, I thought I should take a creative writing class. Keep me busy.

I still want to write, but like, it’s such a pipe dream. I can’t count on that ever leading me to decent money. 

And I discovered there’s a masters program in a college in Dublin, a masters degree in creative writing.

I don’t know why I phoned the college, because OF COURSE I can’t do a masters without having a bachelors degree.

Except when I asked the lady on the phone, she said…. yes. Yes you can. All you need is good writing samples.

And then…

I got so excited! I realised… that’s what I want to do. That’s all I want to do.

My dream has never been to own a cafe or a bar or write programs or design websites, it has been writing, all my life it has been to write. And I could go back and do a masters degree and how much would i enjoy that? Jesus.

That’s it.

Suddenly it became totally clear to me that the business and computers ideas were just not me. they were me panicking and trying to catch up with everyone else I know who is SOMEWHERE in their life now while I’m floundering in what I’ve always called mediocrity but is sliding further down the scale as everyone else overtakes me.

It’s always been my dream to write, and I’ve never done it because I’m chicken shit and don’t know where to start.

And now I realise that I could probably learn and get guidance and DO IT and just find out if it’s my calling or not, and it would only take a year and then if I’m not cut out to be a write I’d just know and it could stop being the thing at the back of my mind that lets me get away with being unambitious.

what a great discovery.

Except, then I started doing my research, and I found out that the government grants I was going to get to fund me in an undergraduate degree, don’t count for masters programs.

So I’d have to come up with 7 or 8,000 euros and then all the money to pay rent and living costs for the year.

And Dublin is expensive. 

So I can’t do it.

And not only can I not do it, but now the other things I was going to do are so clearly wrong that I just don’t know….

what to do with my life.

 

I’m kind of totally lost in my own life. What the fuck should I do with myself.

I’m 26 this month and I’m finally, only now, finally at the point that most people are in when they first leave school.

Except I’m nearly 26. 

 

Ahh… I thought writing that would help clear my head but it’s just cementing how I have no fucking clue what to do.

Advice much appreciated.

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13 responses to “Quarter life crisis!

  1. Jeez, I should be writing this. Italy… Canada… now England. I wish I could be your creepy oracle of infinite wisdom, but it doesn’t get less confusing the older you get.
    xox

    • You’re in England? Dang, girl, just missed ya! I was in England for a month or two in the summer, now back in Ireland.
      I haven’t read any blogs in ages so haven’t kept up with you.. before I ask how it’s going I’ll head over and read for myself.
      xx

      • I haven’t written much at all in the last few months, Creative funk and maybe I’m just really lazy. I arrived here in July and just moved to Stamford Lincolnshire last month. :)

  2. Sorry :( no advice from here. I have no idea what I’m doing and my life is a mess and I’ve got nothing and I’m going nowhere and I’m going to die alone surrounded by my cats (and I don’t even have any cats). *starts crying*

    What about PORN?
    Takie your love of writing and combine it with stories from your hedonistic and debauched life (of which we all approve) and write some short stories and sell them on Amazon for a few dollars each. If it works for dinosaurs…
    http://jezebel.com/dinosaur-erotica-exists-and-its-just-as-amazing-as-you-1438081697
    … then I’m sure you’ll soon be rolling in the money. *fingers crossed*

    • Awwww, you too?
      But I don’t know how to write a short story. Doesn’t it have to have a point or something? Anyway I need a plan b, whatever I do, don’t I? I don’t want to be poor for the rest of my life.

  3. I can so relate! My answer: go after what you’re shit scared of.

    It’s where the gravy is. Starting over at 26 sounds awesome. Who the fuck knows that they want when they’re a teenager or sowing their wild oats anyway? I NEVER did. Some may look like they do but they’re probably just picking sensible jobs for the same reasons you’re trying to. Whether they’re happy in their choice is irrelevant if the same doesn’t make you happy. I started over at 36 – so following the wrong path can go longer, or forever, if not tended to.

    Follow those corny, fraught with peril, most private of dreams, my friend! It’s writing for me too. I can’t afford study, but there are many ways to reach that goal. Don’t give up!!!!

    Persistence = everything.

    Fist bump it out.

    • Thanks… that feels like the thing to do really but it’s also like, if I fail? What if I fail?
      then I’ll have to answer phones forever.
      And get office bum.
      I don’t want to be that girl…

      • Totes, I relate!! Everyone is terrified of failing at the thing that means the world to them. Which is why they’re all doing jobs they don’t like much. I did that for ten years and made myself so fundamentally miserable (whilst earning a great wage) that I figured – hell, failure has gotta be better than this!

        • dude, I’ve decided to go for it. All or nothing. May the world of following your dreams spit me out at the end, because hot dog I’ve already been chewed up well enough. Just need to support myself now so have to find a job, yeah a shitty soul destroying job. Great wage? Un fucking likely. This country is expensive! You know what though I just have these urges to fuck off again to another country, maybe move to California…. cultivate my drinking problem in another country. But I have no money so that’s not an option.
          What are you doing? Are you going for it too? I say too, but I don’t really know where to start….

          • Yay and YES! Go for it!!!! I quit my shit awful job and actually managed to get a job in the film industry, though for $25k less per year. I’m meeting all sort of crazy famous people (emphasis on the crazy), but don’t actually feel any closer to my goal of becoming one of them … though the goal is not so much to be famous but to actually earn a living doing the creative. Life is tumultuous and messy, but I’m better off that I was. So I recommend the leap into the abyss!!!! x

            • Heyyy! Excellent, that’s great! Well, my pendulum of indecision has swung to a sort of compromise recently- I’mm thinking of going back to college for a 2 or 3 year course to do Journalism. Gives me the chance to develop my writing but also could put me in a career if I don’t make it. I won’t be rich but we’ve already established that’s not really what it’s about. Congrats to you for resisting the temptation of the misery/money package.

    • But thanks because I do think you’re totally right.
      I don’t think the study is necessary but I mos def need some guidance or structure or something.

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