I’ve been writing little bits and pieces recently, but nothing on my blog. I’ve been trying to write something more structured and less rambling but I haven’t really got anywhere with it. I guess my life has been all up in the air… Moved to France, moved to England, came back to Ireland…. Fell in love, got over it, fell in love, got over it….
This year has been the year of the quarter life crisis.
The… ok, I’ve had a lot of fun and done a lot of stupid things and met a lot of people but now what the fuck am I going to do with my life?
I don’t want to be broke and I don’t want to trudge up the office career ramp while my bum gets flat and square from sitting in a swivel chair.
Those seem to be my options.
So I decided to go back to college this year, after moving briefly to England and realising how fucking hard it is to find a job when all you’ve done so far is start again and again and never learn anything that comes with that bit of paper.
I decided to go and study business management. Because my dream has always been to own my own little cafe and make cakes and pies and feed people in a charming little room with twinkle lights and oh wasn’t my dream to have a bar and serve cocktails and craft beers and a vast range of whiskeys?
And then wouldn’t business be fucking boring, and not really guarantee me any way closer to my dream?
And then what about computer science, because I’m smart and I’m good with computers and if I hadn’t taken the slippery slope paved with sex and drugs and alcohol, I’d probably have gotten really good at programming…..
So that’s it, I’m going to do computer science.
I started to set it all up for next year. Did everything I needed to ensure I get my fees paid for with this government initiative that pays for everything, including a weekly living expense that could pretty much take care of me all through college.
And I was going to do it. I started to take a little course online, an intro to computer science. Interesting.
Except then I started making excuses not to do it.
Like I’m hung over, or it’s the weekend and I want to go out and get laid, or it’s the weekday and I don’t have anything to do but I’d rather rewatch all the episodes of insert embarassing comedy series here.
So it started gnawing at me, the reality…
I don’t really really want to study computer science. I don’t. I’d like to have a smart degree, something I could impress people with, something that I could get a good job with.
But…. I don’t know. I’m interested in computers but what about all the math?
And then yesterday, I was looking up creative writing classes because now that I have all this spare time, as I have to stay at least partially unemployed to get the government grant next year, I thought I should take a creative writing class. Keep me busy.
I still want to write, but like, it’s such a pipe dream. I can’t count on that ever leading me to decent money.
And I discovered there’s a masters program in a college in Dublin, a masters degree in creative writing.
I don’t know why I phoned the college, because OF COURSE I can’t do a masters without having a bachelors degree.
Except when I asked the lady on the phone, she said…. yes. Yes you can. All you need is good writing samples.
I got so excited! I realised… that’s what I want to do. That’s all I want to do.
My dream has never been to own a cafe or a bar or write programs or design websites, it has been writing, all my life it has been to write. And I could go back and do a masters degree and how much would i enjoy that? Jesus.
Suddenly it became totally clear to me that the business and computers ideas were just not me. they were me panicking and trying to catch up with everyone else I know who is SOMEWHERE in their life now while I’m floundering in what I’ve always called mediocrity but is sliding further down the scale as everyone else overtakes me.
It’s always been my dream to write, and I’ve never done it because I’m chicken shit and don’t know where to start.
And now I realise that I could probably learn and get guidance and DO IT and just find out if it’s my calling or not, and it would only take a year and then if I’m not cut out to be a write I’d just know and it could stop being the thing at the back of my mind that lets me get away with being unambitious.
what a great discovery.
Except, then I started doing my research, and I found out that the government grants I was going to get to fund me in an undergraduate degree, don’t count for masters programs.
So I’d have to come up with 7 or 8,000 euros and then all the money to pay rent and living costs for the year.
And Dublin is expensive.
So I can’t do it.
And not only can I not do it, but now the other things I was going to do are so clearly wrong that I just don’t know….
what to do with my life.
I’m kind of totally lost in my own life. What the fuck should I do with myself.
I’m 26 this month and I’m finally, only now, finally at the point that most people are in when they first leave school.
Except I’m nearly 26.
Ahh… I thought writing that would help clear my head but it’s just cementing how I have no fucking clue what to do.
Advice much appreciated.